Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where I break down the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach. After the last two weeks’ Redskins-Giants thriller and Patriots epic beat down of the Texans, I knew we were in for a bit of a let down with this Jets-Titans matchup. But nothing could have prepared us for the utter ineptitude of Mark Sanchez and the Jets offense. It was so bad that, as you’ll see below, I had no choice but to go in a different direction with this column. It was truly an unprecedented moment for us here a “Positively Gruden,” and one I won’t soon forget.
As always, Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
“In the last two weeks, the Jets have held their opposing offenses to 2 for 31. I’ve never heard of a number like that” (Titans first down)
On Jake Locker, “It’s hard to practice with a shoulder separation.”
On the Jets D, “They force you to throw the ball into a zone defense, and they LAUGH at ya’ when you make a bunch of no gains.”
On Titans LB Zach Brown, “This is the former ACC, I think, University of North Carolina 60-meter champion, watch him learn the screen. This kid went to the combine, 4.37 in the 40, his 10 times, he 20 times, all the scouts were looking at each other. The question was will Brown hit ya’. He just hit ya’ right there.”
On Muhammad Wilkerson, “They liken him to a young Richard Seymour, who had some great years in this league with the Patriots.” (Seymour’s still playing)
After the CJ2K94YDTD, “Nobody hits the home run like Chris Johnson. If you make a mistake in the gap, fuggitaboutit.” (OK, I added the New Jersey accent)
“That’s what Antonio Cromartie does for you every week. He gets up in your best receivers face and says ‘I GOT YOU!'”
“Zach Brown has rare, FREAKISH, athletic ability. . . . He says I’ll go get your quarterback, and he can do it in 4. 3. Speed.”
On Jets the offense, “The Jets have 18 passing yards….if they don’t throw the ball a little bit better, they’re not going anywhere in the playoffs.” (Wait, that’s not very positive. Where are we going with this?)
After a Sanchez pick, “That’s the reason you make quarterback changes. Errant passes down the middle in tight football games with playoffs on the line.”
Starting to get ornery, “I’m not saying that this offense doesn’t fit Mark Sanchez, but every time you look on the Jets sideline it seems like they’re solving some calculus problem.”
Uh oh, “I have no idea what they’re doing with this sequence of plays.”
Finally, completely turned, “They’re confused, I’m confused, and I think a lot of people at home are as well.” (Not as bad as Billy Madison’s principal, but close)