Tom Brady’s TB12 Lifestyle Brand Has Officially Gone Insane in the Brain

Despite his five Super Bowl rings, his perfect wife, his clear G.O.A.T. status, despite his age-defying stamina, pinpoint accuracy, ability to turn no-name receivers into stars, impeccable taste in footwear, model good looks, cleft chin, and ability to pull off literally any hairstyle . . . .

. . . there was always something a bit creepy about Tom Brady. And now with his historically great status cemented, it seems to be getting worse.

It started with his insanely delusional Deflategate press conference. Then it was pushing his TB12 diet—I’m sorry, performance meals—and training regimen in partnership with his trainer, and notorious snake-oil salesman, Alex Guerrero. Then it was his $99 TB12 pajamas, the TB12 mattresses, the TB12 lifestyle manual and all the other weird accessories Brady has been hawking. Then it was his “Asia goodwill” tour this summer (powered by Under Armour), which was capped off with an hour-long informercial courtesy of ESPN’s E60.

And now it’s this: The TB12 brain training system. On this website, you can train yourself to harness the reaction speed, analytical skills and decisiveness of Tom Brady, all for the bargain basement price of $14/month. I signed up for a free-trial, and it seemed like a bunch of rudimentary brain teasers you could find in any freshman psychology class. There’s one game where you can test your speed of distinguishing colors, and then it switches to shapes. Super tricky!

Unless there’s some type of Being John Malkovich portal at the end of this rainbow—where you can literally enter the mind of Tom Brady and win a Super Bowl, have sex with Gisele (played by Catherine Keener), and eat kale until your shit is green—I’m not sure what you’re getting for that $14.

But my concerns go beyond the inherent value of his newest marketing venture. There is an embedded assumption in all of Brady’s sponsorship choices, diet programs, and training regimens that the TB12 lifestyle is more than just a few discrete value-adds to brighten up your day; it’s a comprehensive a path to enlightenment. It’s getting close to a cult-level, and resembling that of another all-too-perfect Tom that went down that slippery slope of driving away a talented foreign beauty, couch jumping on Oprah, and breaking America’s favorite Dawson’s Creek girl next door. Seriously, take a gander at that TB12 brain training website and the hard-core diet/lifestyle he is constantly pitching and ask yourself: how different is this from Scientology?

Well, call me Leah Remini. I would much prefer my flawed body and mind to the constant treadmill of self-improvement. Sure, I’m never going to approach G.O.A.T. status in accounts payable processing, but the 9-5 is much more enjoyable when it’s coated with malted hops and a side of Doritos Locos tacos. Brady is Sisyphus rolling that ball up the hill and raging against the futility of our meager, and ultimately, meaningless existence. From my perspective, if that ball is coming down anyways, wouldn’t it be  better to just sit and watch it roll down with a bit of a buzz on? So while Brady is achieving his Arete against the Chiefs, I’ll be settling in with my wood-fired pizza (with extra gluten) and a six pack of Dogfish Head IPAs. Maybe at halftime, I’ll try out another brain teaser. Or maybe, I’ll check Twitter for the latest spin on that meme where the guy is checking out that girl and his girlfriend looks at him disapprovingly. Man, those are great. Sure, my brain is turning into mush, but given the downward spiral of our political system, mass weather destruction, global warming, constant threats of random terrorism, games of nuclear chicken between madmen, and, ultimately, our certain death, I think I’ll stick with my mush over the self-actualized TB12 brain.