The Wise Guy’s recap of ‘The League’

The League may be the best sitcom you never heard of (or that you heard of but don’t watch).  The premise is four buddies—Kevin, Pete, Ruxon, and Taco, who are so consumed with their fantasy league that they’ll engage in any caper, connivance, or tomfoolery to gain the upper hand.  It’s Seinfeldian in its attempt to intertwine absurd plots toward a “gotcha” climax, but like Seinfeld, the show’s real strength is the quick-witted chop busting between friends (as well as one very cool wife, Jenny, whose fantasy knowledge rivals that of the The Football Girl).

Below is a sampling of the best lines from last night’s episode:

Kevin, upon Pete and Ruxon finding Kevin’s Weightlifting For Dummies a book, “I’m not Chuck Norris, I don’t know about a home gym.”

Ruxon, “usually we have to root around for your shortcomings, like a pig hunting for truffles.”

Ruxon, after finding a library of Dummies books, “Law for Dummies? You’re a lawyer Kevin.”  Kevin, “it’s full of common sense legal advice!”

Andre, persisting that he’s a real doctor (he’s a plastic surgeon), “I save lives.  When some of these women come into my practice, some of them are really down on their bodies.”

Taco, “do you have any time this week because I need a haircut?” Andre, “I’m not a barber.  I can do hair replacement.”

Conversation regarding labels placed on athletes based on race . . .

“Nine times out of 10 when a sportscaster refers to a head coach as a class act, he’s black.”

“Latin guys are always firecracker”

“Gym rat.  Code word for a white guy”

“Ichiro Suzuki is….” Taco, “inscrutable”

Pete, claiming that his new girlfriend Brook previously dating Kevin doesn’t bother him, “basically, I treat it like a public bathroom.  I know other people have been in there.  But I like to pretend I’m the first.”

Andre, re Brook, “she’s a white knuckler.  She used to squeeze so hard on her hard jobs that you could see the whites of her knuckles.”

Brook, while Pete is eating, re Kevin, “I remember in high school, he had like a really pretty cock and cute balls.  It was like a really elegant package.”

Ruxon, during a make-a-wish mandatory community service, learns that his wish kid’s favorite player is Terrell Suggs, “he’s from Baltimore.  You watch The Wire? That show’s brutal.”

Andre, upon learning that Ruxon will use his kid’s wish to motivate Joshua Cribbs (who’s on his fantasy team) to score a touchdown, “how do you even sleep at night?” Ruxon, “usually on my side with a pillow between my legs.”

Andre, interviewing a potential new partner (who happens to be black), “I want to become the Sanjay Gupta of plastic surgery”

Pete, sucking at darts, “I’m losing my mojo and it is all about Kevin’s pretty little cock”

Ruxon, “so you’re saying Kevin’s beautiful cock is tearing you up inside?” Pete (pausing), “yes.”

Andre (dropping knowledge), “the one thing you can’t fix, ugly penis.”

Kevin, meeting Ruxon’s wish kid at a party, “you look well, like an angel.”  Ruxon, “don’t talk about heaven in front of him.”

Pete, after Taco’s ill-conceived martial arts performance results in a spear piercing Kevin’s penis, “looks like somebody’s cock got a little less pretty.”

Ruxon, “you shouldn’t have gotten him spears for dummies.”

Andre, showing off his real doctor chops,” he’s losing a lot of blood; we need to put pressure on his penis.  You, white knuckler, get in there.  Put pressure on his penis.  Squeeze.  Squeeze hard!”  Brooke complies (begrudgingly).  Kevin, while Pete looks on, “it feels better. . . . it stopped hurting… feels good now!”