The Wise Guy’s Recap of ‘The League’: Going Klumberg
‘The League’ may be the best sitcom you never heard of (or that you’ve heard of but don’t watch). The premise is four buddies—Kevin, Pete, Ruxon, and Taco, who are so consumed with their fantasy league that they’ll engage in any caper, connivance, or tomfoolery to gain the upper hand. It’s Seinfeldian in its attempt to intertwine absurd plots toward a “gotcha” climax, but like Seinfeld, the show’s real strength is the quick-witted chop busting between friends (as well as one very cool wife, Jenny, whose fantasy knowledge rivals that of the The Football Girl).
Going Klumberg
Last week’s episode was one of the raunchiest of the series, perhaps on all non-HBO/Showtime tv this year. There were some big laughs, but overall, not as many good lines as last week’s episode. Still, it’s one of the most enjoyable 30 minutes I have all week. Below is a sampling of the best quotes:
Pete, commenting on Andre’s new Klumberg painting (which he’s very proud of), “it looks like a penis bird attacking ass mountain.”
Andre, responding to Kevin’s similar interpretation, “I don’t think they’re selling a picture of the shocker for 25,000.” Ruxon, “what a steal!”
Rafi, complimenting Andre on his place, “do you know what you should do with this place, shoot a porno. I’ve got this buddy, dirty Randy, this guy is amazing. He scouts locations for pornos. And he mostly cleans up everything.”
Rafi, adding to the list of people who have had sex in Andre’s place, “I just jerked off in the bathroom, so that’s three.” Taco, “I thought you were taking a shit.” “Yeah, I did both, same time. It’s how I work.”
Kevin, devising a plan to fake a fight to get Rafi (who everyone hates) out of the league, “In order to save the league, we’ve got to kill it.” Andre, “This is just like Ocean’s Twelve.”
Russell, an old friend of Kevin and Jenny who’s back in town, commenting on Andre, “What is going on with his clothes? He looks like a rollerblading instructor.”
Russell, to Taco, who’s excitedly rummages through a dumpster, “Taco, be careful, lot of bad stuff in there.” Taco, “Lot of good stuff in there.”
Andre, “Here’s a little dirt for you, Russell is a sex addict.”
Pete, “the guy’s just good at what he does. He’s not an addict, he’s accomplished.”
Ruxon, “sex addicts are just guys who are telling the truth.”
Ruxon, to Taco, “I wanted to talk to you about this trade I was thinking about” Taco, “Ok, let’s do it. I don’t need details.”
Ruxon, bonding with Taco over the need for privacy in the bathroom, “My wife doesn’t let me do the serious stuff at home, so I do it at work. The weekends are the hardest.”
Andre, “Andre goes two speeds, fast and furious.”
Andre, escalating the fake fight with Pete, “Why don’t we take this outside. In the street like dogs.”
Pete, as shit just got real, “I’m a loser? You make six figures, but you can’t guy good taste, Andre. Look at your outfit. And that god damn Klumberg painting, Jesus you should draw veins on that thing.”
Rafi, after Andre storms out of the now real fight, “Guys, how are we going to get Andre back? We are all best friends? But guys, if we can’t get him back, I know a guy, dirty Randy. Truth be told, he’s kind of an asshole.”
Pete, “Rafi’s the worst. He’s like a cockroach with a beard.”
Jenny, after informing Kevin that she’s joined Rusell’s fantasy league, “there’s no such thing as a sex addict, there’s just guys.”
Pete, upon learning that the toilet Taco took out of the dumpster is actually smuggled cocaine, “So Taco is literally addicted to sitting on the toilet.”
Kevin, “This is great, I’ve got a sex addict trying to plow my wife, and I’ve got a brother who’s Pablo Escobutt.”
Andre, after Pete pretends to like Andre’s art in order to make amends and save the league, “nothing says erotique like a Klumberg. Charms the pants off the ladies.”
Taco, during the guys intervention for his cocaine toilet addiction, “Guys, it’s just when I sit on this thing, I feel like the smartest, most powerful person in the bathroom.”
Andre, with dual motives, “Will you make a pledge to us that you’ll try to get better?” Taco, “Yes.” Andre, “Will you make a pledge to us that you’ll try this humus?”
Jenny, during a pre-draft glass of wine becomes offended that Russell isn’t interested in her, “if I don’t trigger your addiction, what does?” Russell, “oh, how much time do you have? Birthday parties for old people, fresh bought corn, marbles, you know, just when I see like a room full of marbles, which is very rare.”
Russell, humoring Jenny as she tries to trigger his addiction, “Eat it. Oh yeah, in a slutty way. Eat that slutty strawberry. . . [Not working] . . . what….What are you doing? You’re gonna choke on it.”
Russell, showing Jenny the way to do it, goes to the fridge, “what do these remind you of?” Jenny, “Artichokes?” “No, the breast of a (pantomiming) . . . alien! That you can also (moving them down) . . .titty bang!”
Rafi, crashing Taco’s intervention drunk, “I’m gonna go crap the booze out and then me and my bros are gonna hang out for the rest of our lives!”
Rafi, completely coked up after enjoying the secret toilet seat that Taco stashed, “I am not gonna let dirty sex addict do to Jenny what that penis bird has done to butt mountain!” He then smashes the painting and storms out the door.
Russell, after the guys find him and Rafi in the backseat of a car, going all…um…Klumberg on Rafi, “yes, I’ve found a new trigger. Cocaine and a new beard.” Pete, “Hey Andre, it looks like your painting.”
Rafi, “some things you can’t unsee bro.”
Andre, complaining that Jenny has not been properly initiated to the league (replacing Rafi), “That’s all the hazing? You guys hazed me for two weeks. I’m still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment
Kevin, “Welcome sweetheart.” Andre, “That’s all she gets? You guys called me dick cream for two years.”
Jenny, “I accept this challenge, and I will take this donkey of a team and I am gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.”
Jenny, “Just fyi guys, your buddy Russel, not a sex addict.” Everyone in unison, nodding, “Oh….he is.”
And….scene. What did you all think of the episode? Anyone out there own a Klumberg? No musical/performance number from Taco this week, so if you’re going through withdrawal check out this YouTube video from the same guy (not League related). I’m not sure what Chat Roulette is, but it seems awesome! Rafi would definitely like it.
