‘The League’ Recap, Episode 9: The Expert Witness

Welcome to another recap of the best lines from The League, the hilarious Thursday night comedy on FX that ostensibly centers around a group of friends’ fantasy football league. This week was all about Andre (Paul Scheer), which worked great because he is by far the best actor in the cast, playing a Constanza worthy foil who can constantly get screwed over/insulted, but you laugh because, well, he’s asking for it. In this episode, Andre rotated from smarmy expert witness (in plastic surgery), to sexual predator, to sketch artist, to the more familiar butt of Pete’s pranks/jokes, in this case Pete’s ability to constantly “steal his thunder.” Like every week, the intertwining plotlines came together in the end, as Ruxon was found by the guys in a very compromising position with his “work flirt” Judge. Not as bad as Dirty Randy from week three, but still not good.

Without further ado . . .

Taco, surprising Kevin (a lawyer) in the courtroom: “I’m here for the show. My favorite show is Judge Joe Brown and my cable’s out, so I figured this would be the next best thing.”

Taco, confused about Kevin’s role: “Ooh, are you a sassy judge or a brassy judge?”

Ruxon, on the Judge that’s totally into him: “She’s just my work flirt. It’s just a way to pass the time.”

Ruxon, continuing: “When you’re married you have to keep a work flirt. It keeps the flirt muscles limber. Otherwise, you tense and you can pop a hammy like Pete did when he got divorced.” Pete: “I went from married and sitting to single and sprinting and I strained a testicle. It’s not good.”

Kevin, proposing collusion with Jenny, who is ahead of him in the waiver order: “What if you didn’t pick up Mike Bell?” Jenny: “Why wouldn’t I pick up Mike Bell.” Kevin: “For love?”

Kevin, confused/saddened that Jenny would rather Kevin write Elie’s birthday thank you notes than be provided with four minutes of hot action as “payment” for collusion: “Why doesn’t Elie do her own thank you notes?” Jenny: “Because Elie doesn’t need Mike Bell.”

Taco, flirting/fascinated by the court’s sketch artist’s drawings: “Arturo was guilty? I thought he’s such a nice guy. I guess he really did drown all those people.”

Sketch artist, spotting Ruxon: “I’ve seen that guy around. He’s a dick.”

Kevin, skeptical of Andre’s hideous “man of the people” outfit for his expert witness role for Kevin/Ruxon’s case against a plaintiff who is seeking damages for emotional distress when the plastic surgery she required actually made her more attractive (and thus, her life better): “who are the people that’s you’re presumably man of with that outfit?” Ruxon: “My guess is a country entirely populated by fans of Aerosmith.”

Kevin, also disapproving of Andre’s creepy glasses designed to make him look smart: “It makes you look like a guy in To Catch a Predator.”

Andre, still trying out his expert moves: “I’m addressing the jury with double guns.” Ruxon: “No, holster the guns.”

Ruxon, trying to rattle Andre during witness role playing: “And the defense would like to add that he’s also seen your mother naked. And she’s got a huge bush.” Andre: “That’s because she can’t shave down there. She’s got razor burn.” Ruxon: “How do you know that?”

Ruxon, suspecting collusion between Kevin and Jenny: “Your wife asked you to do something. And you did it on the first ask. It takes my wife three asks before I do something menial like take the trash out. And we have a loving marriage.”

Andre, confident that he can get Taco to trade with him: “Well, he has not come face to face with Andre, the expert.” Kevin: “What, are you going to lure him into your bed and fondle the trade out of him?” Andre: “If that’s what it takes.”

Andre, championing his ability to eat an entire extra large pizza: “Wide load was in my belly.” (Pete then “steals his thunder” by claiming he ate the even bigger holy stromboli)

Kevin, as Taco suddenly appears: “Why didn’t you come through the front door?” Taco: “I don’t come through the front of anything.”

Taco, showing off the courtroom sketch artist’s drawing: “This is a sex sketch. You guys know what that means, right?” Ruxon: “No.” Taco: “I have to make a sexy sketch myself and send it to her.”

Taco, excited that Andre has agreed to sketch him (naked) for the girl (so that Taco will trade with him), also seeking advice: “I’m having an open house, should I trim the lawn?” Ruxon: “You should have Andre do it, he’s shaved lots of shafts.” Andre: “Yes, I’ve shaved shaft . . . in a medical environment.”

Taco, surprised to see Andre in a Devo’s “Whip It”-esque hat in his place as they prepare for the sketch: “What are you wearing on your head?” Andre: “It’s a head massager. I need my senses at an all time high for my expert testimony tomorrow.”

Andre, getting to work: “Be still my muse, let the artist work.”

Taco, disrobing: “I don’t know if you noticed, but it does have a slight . . . “ Andre, “lilt?” Taco: “And if you noticed the cold has not changed the bend.”

Ruxon, addressing the jury after the (now beautiful) plaintiff describes her “recession special” of free rent: “You know a recession special for me is when I purchase two hot dogs, I get a free grape drink. But I’m just a simple man with simple pleasures.”

Ruxon, to a very nervous Andre (who is wearing a horrible sweater vest) taking the stand: “Could you state your name for the court?” Andre: “My name is . . .My name is . . slim shady.”

Ruxon, trying to calm Andre: “Put your hands away. Don’t holster them.”

Andre, digging himself deeper (and putting on his creepy sexual predator glasses): “The surgery is excellent. It’s very natural. And one would wonder what she would look like as a little girl.”

Pete, taking the stand to clean up Andre’s mess and again steal his thunder, passing Andre: “Hi there, there’s a thunderstorm brewing.”

Ruxon: “And if it pleases the court, I would like to have that vest stricken from the record.”

Ruxon, after very persuasive testimony from Pete on the plaintiff’s increased attractiveness, digresses ever so slightly: “Actually I have one last further question. (raising voice). DID KEVIN MCARTHUR COLLUDE WITH HIS WIFE JENNY TO GET MIKE BELL!” Kevin, shouting: “OBJECTION YOUR HONOR.” Andre: “ASK HIM ABOUT THE HOLY STROMBOLI”

Judge, dragging Ruxon, her apparently more than “work flirt, into her chambers after the courtroom circus, seeking restitution: “Well, I’ve learned to be patient with new dogs, until they shit on the carpet one too many times. . . .until you beg for forgiveness, you dirty dog.”

Ruxon, thinking of an out: “I’m married, so I’m not really capable of doing more than we were doing. (brainstorming) I could watch you flick it. Or I could tug one out.” Judge: “Are you trying to plea bargain?”

Court reporter’s husband, bursting into the courtroom after finding some very incriminating sketches of her and another man: “Who’s been screwing my wife?” (sees Andre’s dirty sketches and realizes it was Taco.) Taco: “Wait, nothing happened. We just had sex.”

Judge, to Ruxon who is down on all fours, has a bone in his mouth and a collar and leash around his neck (you kinda have to see it): “Bad boy. Bad dog.” Taco, barging in: “Hey judge. Hey dog Ruxon.” Ruxon, after the guys follow Taco in: “Oh, thank God. Can you help me please?”

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