The League, Episode 10: Vinegar Strokes

Welcome to another recap of the best lines from The League, the hilarious Thursday night comedy on FX that ostensibly centers around a group of friends’ fantasy football league.   This week’s episode had almost nothing to do with fantasy football, except for Pete’s idea to name the last place trophy after “the worst person in the world,” which prompted the guys to attend their high school reunion to find that person.  Ruxon, however, had a different motive, the classic “stick it to the jerk jock who ridiculed me in high school” plan.  Of particular emphasis was Ruxon’s prior penchant for, well, larger women, a reputation that he was hell bent on changing by showing up with his hot wife, Sofia.  And then there’s Taco, who invented a name for something so taboo that it cannot be printed here.  Of course, that’s not to say it won’t be printed below . . .

Ruxon, responding to Pete’s idea of creating a last place trophy for the league, “do you have anything to fill your sad existence of a life besides fantasy football?”  Pete, “absolutely not, do you guys?” Kevin/Ruxon, in unison, “well, kids I guess…(mumbling) ….sucks.”

Ruxon, rejecting Andre’s idea of going to their high school reunion, “the reunion is the worst thing in the world.  I see all the people from high school that I want to see, and I don’t even enjoy that.”

Andre, trying out his submission for the reunion book, “Webster’s defines success . . .”  Guys in unision, “No!”

Andre, giving it a second try, “at a recent dinner with Bryant Gumbel, Bryant was heard remarking, Andre Nowzik, that’s a guy I’d like to know.”  Pete, “no, no no, use Greg Gumbel.” Kevin, “dude, you don’t want to ostracize one Gumbel over the other.”  Andre, “why don’t I just put….a Gumbel.” Guys, “perfect.”

Frank “The Body” Gibiati, an old high school classmate who notices Ruxon at the barber, going down the list of old classmates, “Berkman passed away.  DUI.”  Ruxon, “he died of a DUI?”  The Body, “yeah, he died of alcohol poisoning while he was driving.”

Berkman, “are you and The Village People going to the reunion? And by Village People I mean your close core group of friends.  Because you’re all gay.”

Ruxon, not surprised that The Body is training for the reunion, “going to relive that brief moment where you had any importance on this earth?” Berkman, “brief moment.  Try four years, homes.”

The Body, teasing (apparently to the barbers), “you know what we called him in high school, the herdsman.  Because the women he was with were so big that they resembled actual cattle.”

The Body, confirming Ruxon’s close guess at his job, “actually, trading pork futures.  We actually just traded one of your exes I think.  Huge commission.”

Taco, explaining why he couldn’t stop sex with a woman before a pig statute fell on his head, “I was at the vinegar strokes.  It’s the point during the sexual experience where a man’s about to orgasm and his face looks like someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose.” Guys in unison, “Ohhhhh.” Kevin, “I couldn’t stop if a bee was about to sting me.”

Taco, “have you guys ever seen anyone’s vinegar strokes.  Because rumor has it that if you stare into a man’s eyes during his vinegar strokes, you can peer into his soul.”  Pete, “thank you Dances with Taco.”

Ruxon, telling the guys why he has to go reunion, to spite The Body, “that guy’s the worst.  He makes me appreciate you guys.  That’s how awful he is.”

Kevin, confirming that they too called him the herdsman in high school, “Ruxon, if we lined all the girls you dated in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards in the NFL.”

Pete, responding to Ruxon’s obvious comeback, “you got laid because you were a rabid hyena on the mountain top just grabbing up any scraps you can find.” Ruxon, “people gotta eat.” Andre, “well yes, that was the motto of the women you dated.”

Pete, coming up with a plan “we all go to the reunion, we find the worst person there, and that’s the name for the trophy.”

Andre, skeptical of Taco’s planned “vinegar strokes” symphony masterpiece, “so let me get this straight, your masterpiece is a symphony about the face people make when they ejaculate?” Taco, “I need to educate the world on this subject.”

Taco, realizing that a man can’t look into his own vinegar strokes, to Andre, “that’s why I need to watch you having sex.”

Andre, not happy about the brackets Pete devised to pick the last place trophy name, “why do we have to ridicule? Can’t we just embrace the amazing night?” Pete, “that is how we embrace, ridicule.” Kevin, “yeah, and shame.”

Andre, unclear why a classmate was apologetic at “what happened to him,” “the vest works.  You seen Mark Harmon on NCIS lately, it works.”

Andre, reading his reunion book statement and realizing what the girl was referring to, “wait, no.  (Reading)  I was sack tapped so hard that my left testicle had to be removed?” Kevin, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that happened.” Andre, continuing, “in fact, I had to have a nuticle inserted in its place like nothing ever happened.” Kevin, “what’s a nuticle?” Pete, “it’s a fake testicle.” Andre, “in dogs!”

Andre, stiffening up, “it’s fine, it’s fine.  You are not going to wreck my reunion.  I’m gonna have a great time.  I’m gonna let everyone know that Andre Nowzik is here, he’s got two balls, and they work great.”

Kevin, seeing Ruxon and Sofia dressed to the nines, “you look like you’re going to the opera.” Ruxon, “and you guys look like you work at Fuddruckers.”

Ruxon, “hey, how’s Andre enjoying the reunion?” Kevin, “he’s….having a ball.”

Ruxon, justifying his PDA with Sofia, “my wife is super hot.  I have no problem with that.  It’s one of the reasons I married her.  So I can take her back to reunions and let everyone look at what I’ve done.”

The Body, coincidentally barging in on Ruxon while he’s talking to one of his (larger) ex-girlfriends, “this is my wife Irina.  You might recognize her from the Ukranian version of the Bachelorette, so…yeah….”

Ruxon, after Sofia comes over and humiliates The Body with her hotness, “I like you too.  Hey, let’s go kiss in front of some other people, ok?”

Random high school guy, not believing Andre’s half true/half false story, “just show me your balls.  Let’s just clear this shit up.”

Kevin, going through the brackets with Pete, making fun of all the contenders, “is Seabiscuit Asian.  SeaBiscuit’s Asian!” Pete, “Can you turn Asian?”

Andre, seeing Shiva, his former tragic love (and the namesake of the trophy last year), “you’re the only one here who knows I have two balls.  Please, help me out here.  Get the word out!”

Taco, confident that the reunion can give him inspiration for his symphony, “high school reunions are like office parties.  Except, the next day, you don’t have to see the people at work.  Trust me, mistakes will be made, people will be sexy.  And when they do, (showing camera), I’ll be there to capture it.”

Pete, after frog face, a contender for the last place trophy (because he had sex in Pete’s car and denied it), offered him an amazing job, “I told him I would think about.  I went outside, gathered my thoughts, then I gathered up a huge rock, smashed his car and left a used condom on his steering wheel.  Bam!”  Kevin, “not smart.” Andre, “that’s not a Bam.”

Kevin, “the question is, where did you get a used a condom.” Pete, “I made it.  Haven’t you ever done that before? Not terrible.”

Shiva, revealing a horrible secret, “Stu didn’t have sex in your mom’s car, Kevin did.”  Andre, high fiving, “oh yeah!” Pete, “how do you know this?” Shiva, “because it was with me.” Andre, “oh no!”

Shiva, “he was so excited that when he came, he yelled my name, Shiva Komeni Selma Kanakrah!” Andre, horrified, “so the first Shiva blast (this was from the first season), was your vinegar strokes?”

Stu “Frog face,” after finding the damage caused by Pete, “way to tie off the condom, too.  I have cum, I have your cum all over my car.”

[It’s impossible to capture the last scene in words, so you just have to see it.  Suffice to say, it involved Ruxon and Sofia, vinegar strokes, the bull mascot on the loose, Taco filming, and pretty much everyone else in the episode enjoying the, er, strokes at the end.]