Positively Gruden, Week 8: The Robert Quinn Show
It’s time for another rendition of ‘Positively Gruden,’ which chronicles the cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach. After last week’s atrocity of a Giants-Vikings game, which prompted the first ever “Negatively Gruden” column in this space, ESPN was bracing for another debacle with Kellen Clemens’ St. Louis Rams hosting the Big Bad Seattle Seahawks.
Turns out, though, the Rams respective lines (both offensive and defensive) took matters into their own hands and made this a game, dominating on both fronts. If only the skill positions could have followed suit. Sure, the game featured a dearth of offensive activity, but it came down to the wire with the Rams just needing one more yard (the longest yard) to take the victory. But that’s where Clemens came in, sailing a fleeting prayer of a lob pass nowhere near his receiver, signifying in one play the futility that has become the Rams’ season (and franchise).
But that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is that the pure physicality of the game yielded an impressive array of Grudenisms for us fans to feast upon. So, without further ado, here they are. As always, top Grudenisms are ranked on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
On the rumors the Rams had reached out to Brett Favre, “We’ve got to leave Brett Favre alone. He’s an offensive coordinator, he’s busy. Who else are you going to turn to if you need a quarterback?” (Hmm, someone not retired for two years?)
On the Seahawks secondary, “They don’t call this secondary the ‘Legion of Boom’ for nothing. They can wear you OUT.” (Remember that “Legion of Boom” phrase.)
Early in the game, “I think Robert Quinn is one of the most dangerous defensive ends in football.”
On Russell Wilson, “He’s got a magnetic personality. I haven’t met a lot of people like this young quarterback.”
More Wilson, “Some of these scrambles, I get tired just watching them. You can go the concession stand, get a SNACK and come back and Wilson is still scrambling. It’s unbelievable.”
After his first sack, “Robert Quinn, I’m telling you Mike Tirico, is as dangerous as any pass rusher in this game.” (Now singing) “The mighty Quinn, Mike. You aint seen nothing like the mighty Quinn.”
After a series of impressive Rams running plays, “That was not a ‘Legion of Boom’ type tackle for [Brandon] Browner.”
“You’re at the one yard line. I’m surprised they don’t close the formation and hand it to the BEAST. Nobody does it better than Marshawn Lynch on the goal line.”
After Quinn’s second sack, “I think Quinn is ridiculous. I think he’s the most dangerous pass rusher I’ve seen on tape.”
After Quinn’s third sack, “I don’t know of any tackles that can handle Robert Quinn one-on-one.” (Ok, we get it. He’s good.)
“Tate taints the score with a taunt.” (Actually, that was Mike Tirico. Someone went to journalism school!)
After a defenseless receiver penalty, “They’re gonna call this intentional roughness. This is unbelievable.” (That’s the issue, Jon, the rule takes the question of intent out of the hit.)
During an instant reply review, “I just want to see some football, guys. You guys are like airport security. You like sitting at red lights, don’t you?”
On his Halloween costume, “I’m the same thing every year, Chucky. Fourteen years in a row. I can’t wait to scare some kids.”
On Earl Thomas, “I think he’s the MVP of the league on defense if you ask me. He came faster than a speeding bullet. That’s why I nicknamed him the road runner.”
Capturing the moment of the final drive, “It’s hard to announce the game with two Clemenses.”
On the final play, “Brandon Browner of the Legion of Doom, finishes the Rams. The Legion of Boom Or Doom . Whatever you want to call it.”