Positively Gruden Week 6: Colts at Chargers

It’s time for another rendition of ‘Positively Gruden,’ which chronicles the top praise, plaudits and panegyric from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  This week featured two teams historically on the opposite ends of the “clutchness” spectrum: The Colts, who find incredible ways to pull out victories from the jaws of defeat, and the Chargers, who do the reverse.

However, call it the magic of Monday Night Football, but the script was flipped last night as the Chargers turned in a workmanlike performance, dominating the line of scrimmage and salting away the game when it counted.  The Colts, meanwhile, struggled with a series of miscues (mainly drops) that finally culminated in an Andrew Luck interception to seal their fate.

But the game will always be the sideshow to the Grudenisms, and last night featured some doozies. As always, top Grudenisms are ranked on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

During a pregame soliloquy on Andrew Luck,

“If I had one pick in the entire league to start my team today, I’d take Andrew Luck.”

“I’ve seen him run for first downs, I’ve seen him run for touchdowns, and I’ve seen him run over people like a linebacker. . . .  He doesn’t just get up, he congratulates people when they tackle him.”

“The Colts are lucky as a dog with 14 bones in his bucket to have this kid.”

On the Chargers’ defensive scheme, “Call it the amoeba defense, you don’t know what it is.” (aka, the Taco Bell meat filling defense)

On the Colts’ defense, “They like playing the game more than some teams.”

After a Colts goal line stand, “That’s what happens when I compliment an offensive line, they usually give up a 3 yard loss. Happened when I was coaching too.”

Powder blues remain the best uniforms in all of sports.” (Actually, that was Chris Berman)

On Chargers rookie D.J. Fluker, “He might be the biggest offensive tackle I’ve seen. This ex-Alabama Crimson tide offensive tackle has given the Chargers girth, power, and THUMP on the right side.”

Pressure is the only legitimate way San Diego has gotten pressure on Luck all night.”

On the Chargers’ dominant running game, “These have not been mystery runs, these are downhill, north/south, BODY BLOWS that the Chargers have been running all night.

A little confused, The Colts have their biggest bodies out there.  Chapman, number #96 (there’s no Chapman)….just checked out of the game…. (Nice save)

After a Nick Novak field goal, What a majestic shot by Novak. There was no doubt about it, you could hear it leave his foot from up here.”

On Jerrell Freeman, “They call him Baby Ray, almost reminds these Colts of a young Ray Lewis.” (Tirico aptly reponded, “almost unreachable praise.”)

Dropping some geography knowledge, Another defender in this Colts secondary that comes from someplace else….most of these defenders come from other cities.”