Positively Gruden Week 5: Falcons at Jets
Greetings Gruden fans, The Wise Guy has finally returned from his European exile to reclaim his rightful place as TFG’s chief chronicler of America’s favorite fawning former coach. Much like Roddy White’s 2013 campaign, it is going to take some time for me to regain my groove in this space. So while this column is imperfect, it is the first step in the healing process.
Fortunately, we were all treated to a doozy of a game last night, as the now 3-2 Jets (wait, is that right?) narrowly escaped with the 30-28 victory over the 1-4 Falcons (is that right too?) despite, if you were listening to Gruden, seemingly dominated all night. Must be that anti-NFC South bias creeping in.
As always, the top Grudenisms are graded on a slightly scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
14. On Jets DT, Muhammad Wilkerson, “He reminds me of a young Richard Seymour. Look at that WINGSPAN. Muhammad Wilkerson is going to be superstar in this league. I picked the right Gruden Grinder.”
13. “Matt Ryan is a master at the snap count.”
12. On Rex Ryan’s defensive scheme, “Muddy coverages, muddy fronts. You never know what you’re gonna get.” (But it will be dirty)
11. After a Jets TD, “How about that throw. whew! Wakeup New York Jets, Geno Smith is on FIRE!”
10. After (another) Tony Gonzalez catch, “It’s the wingspan, the body control, strong hands…what a play by Gonzalez.”
9. “Bart Scott was a great Jet, with a great personality.” (Just say it Jon, he’s ugly)
8. “Geno Smith, under no pressure whatsoever, is RIPPING the Atlanta Falcons.”
7. “That’s my guy, Snacks, right there. Damon Harrison, they call him Snacks. I love watching Damon Harrison.” (So does Rex Ryan, now let’s go get a f-cking snack, h/t Amanda Rykoff)
6. On Jets RB Bilal Powell, “He’s bigger than you think he is, he’s quicker than you think he is, he’s stronger than you think he is, and he’s proved that tonight. He’s one of the top rushers in the AFC, get to know him.”
5. On the Jets’ anbody-but-Gonzalez third-down defense, “They double-viced him.”
4. Still loving bananas, “They just ran a Spider Y BANANA with Sheldon Richardson as the back in the flat!”
3. After a Jets sack, “They’re the Big Bad Wolves. Richardson, Wilkerson, Coples. And they’ll blow your house down.”
2. Before a Falcons 1st and goal, “I would be SHOCKED if they try another run in this situation.” (Falcons promptly run for the touchdown.) “I love it.”
1. “I think pass interference calls should call themselves.”