Positively Gruden: Top Jon Gruden Lines from 49ers/Cardinals
It’s time for your latest installment of “Positively Gruden,” a list of the top absurd/hyperbolic lines from our favorite coach-turned NFL analyst. This week shaped up to be an especially challenging one for the TFGPG staff, as we were treated to the inconsequential match-up between two struggling 3-7 teams, the 49ers and Cardinals. Unfortunately, our worst fears were realized in a 27-6 snoozefest that the 49ers dominated from start to finish. The game was so one-sided that Gruden quickly departed from his winning-team praise to persistent bashing of the Cardinals, not to mention complaining about instant replay, the playoff system, and the New England weather. Therefore, we thought it only fitting to change up this segment for one week and give you a list of not just the positivity but also the rare negativity that spewed from Coach Gruden.
After string of gashing runs by Brian Westbrook: “Westbrook still has the instinctive inside running style, but that is punishment and the 49ers are unloading on Arizona.”
More 49ers punishment: “There’s nothing sophisticated about it. This is ‘we’re going to come off the ball and knock you off the rock.’”
“This is Mike Singletary football, call it whatever you want.” Nah, too easy.
More running praise: “Put that on a clinic reel, that’s one of the clips you show your players on the first night of training camp when you install H2 run. Westbrook, he must think he died and went to heaven looking at some of these holes, Ron.”
“Right when they got off the bus, they started pounding these guys.”
After Justin Smith bats a ball down: “Over the course of his career, he’s batted a ton of balls down. This is a cattleman out of Missouri.”
So bored he’s rhyming: “It’s run the ball, Pro Bowl punter Lee, and good solid D. How’s that Jaws?”
After a great pass/catch by Troy Smith/Vernon Davis: “That’s a nice shot in the pocket, but once again pass no rush. Troy Smith has all day to throw.”
Continuing on Cardinals’ inability to pressure Smith; “This guy’s been sacked 11 times in the last two games and Arizona has been nowhere close.”
Making excuses: “The lost leadership, the tenacity of Anquan Boldin. What they brought in the locker room, the practice field. I don’t know what people expect. It’s like cutting your heart out.”
After a horrible pick by Anderson: “This is when you’re the head coach or you’re the play caller and you make a quarterback change. That ball was late as you can be, telegraphed the whole way, he forced it right down the middle, Jaws.”
So bored he starts complaining about instant replay: “This game is really becoming technical, I tell ya. I think we oughta just let the referees make the call and live with the call.”
One more bad Anderson pass away from his own ‘Cmon Man’ segment: “You want to let Larry Fitzgerald use his size and his wingspan. But he’s not gonna make any catches in the 70th row.”
On the expected frigid temperatures for next week’s Patriots-Jets game: “That will bother me. A lot of things bother me, including you.” Jaws, “the feeling’s mutual.” (awkward laughter follows.)
And in a shocking turn of events . . . .
. . . . the Cardinals positivity finally escapes as time winds down: “This is the toughest time for a coach. You know, you go from the greatest highs to the farthest lows. And it can change overnight. But you take a look in his eyes right there, you’ll see a guys who’s gonna figure it out. He’s a heck of a coach, and he’s done an unbelievable job putting the Arizona Cardinals on the map really for the first time I’ve been alive.”