Positively Gruden: Too Many Hot Dogs

If you happened to read my last installment of “Positively Gruden” after last week’s Seahawks-Chargers game, you’ll remember that I was concerned about whether the former coach had enough positivity in him to give us ten solid nuggets during the Preseason. While Gruden did not disappoint, it turns out that even he has his limits. Just as there comes a point in which Kobayashi-san simply cannot jam another hot dog down his throat, it is simply too much to ask of the Grudenator to call two Week 1 Preseason games and maintain his customary sunny outlook. There’s only so much bad football a man can take.

So unfortunately, Gruden barely gave us enough material to fill out a mediocure Top 5 list. Even his trademark “This guys” were noticeably negative. Like, “This guy, Mark Sanchez, he really needs to improve his red zone production.” Or, “This guy, Plaxico Burress, I just don’t know whether he still has it after not playing football in nearly 1,000 days.” Or, “This Houston Texas defense. They have more penetrable holes than Snooki from Jersey Shore.” (Ok, I made that second one up.) Sheesh, what a wet blanket.

Now we know his limits, please, ESPN, don’t push them ever again. You don’t mess with perfection.

5. “You know who really impressed me this week was J.J. Watt of the Houston Texans. Gary Kubiak told me he reminds him of a young Howie Long. He’s big, strong, athletic, he goes 100 miles/hour. He’s gonna knock down a bunch of passes with that size. He must have knocked down 15 balls at Wisconsin. What a great kid, huh Mike?”

4. “The Jets have a lot of what I call, LHBs. Large human beings. Man, are they big.”

3. On rookie 6th round draft pick, Mistral Raymond: “That’s the sleeper, Mike. This guy’s from West Texas State A&M. And they were raving about him. Six foot six inches, I mean he played in the practice field without any cleats! He didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to make anybody mad. He doesn’t say a word, all he does is make plays.”

2. On another sleeper, Ropati Pitoitua: “This guy is the rave of the Jets camp. Six foot, eight inches, 380 lbs out of Washington State. The Jets keep finding bigger guys than everybody else. God, I liked it when he walked into the hotel.”

1. On the future Hall of Fame coach, “This guy Gary Kubiak, he’s got the best bootleg offense in football.”