Positively Gruden: Texans vs. Patriots, The Genius of Bob Belichick

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where I break down the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  After last week’s Redskins-Giants game, we knew we were in for a bit of a let down.  But nothing could prepare us for the big heaping pile of crap that the Texans laid in Foxboro against the Patriots and their legendary head coach, Bob Belichick. Combined with the Falcons’ stinker against Carolina, it looks like the supposed top two teams in the NFL are limping towards the finish line.  Which all supports my time-tested rule: it’s complete idiocy to make Super Bowl predictions prior to Week 15 of the NFL season. (How are those Bears looking?)

With the Patriots running roughshod over the Texans, we were treated to a smorgasbord of Grudenisms on Brady, Belichick, and the Patriots’ surprisingly dominant defense.  (Seriously, the Patriots play defense now? That’s not good for anybody.)  Gruden always lays it on thick when it comes to the Patriots, but last night was, frankly, special. Maybe I was that extra shot of spiked holiday egg nog.

As always, Grudenisms are grade on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

In pregame, “They’re going to need Johnathan Joesph tonight because Tom Brady FEASTS on cornerbacks.”

On Vincent Van Schaub, “I LOVE Matt Schaub’s toughness. I’ve seen him hit so hard, rumor has it his ear fell off.”

“If you get the ball in stride to Andre Johnson, he’s fast enough to run RIGHT THROUGH your football team.”

“Chandler Jones is a difference maker. Six sacks, he’s forced a lot of fumbles. This time you’re gonna see the big rookie out of Syracuse look like a Houston SWAT team.”

“If you give Brandon Lloyd this type of coverage to the post, Brandon Lloyd….(wait for it)….will SHRED you.”  

“If I were the Patriots, I might look into a long-term relationships with Welker because he is absolutely KILLING the Texans…….with QUICKNESS and run-after-the-catchability.”

A soliloquy on Bill Belichick, “he goes to an incredible amount of work to find players that fit the ‘Patriot Way.’  And they’re all versatile. It allows him to attack each opponent differently. You want to play 4-3 this week, a 3-4, a 33 nickel, you want to use 3 tight ends, no back set, you wanna block kicks? Bill Belichick will figure it out with this roster he has. Every year.”

“If you would have told me that Aqib Talib and Alfonzo Dennard would be the starting CBs for the Patriots in Week 14……..I’d say I disagree with you.” (Well, that was a bit of a let down)

Rapid Fire Grudenisms after a Brady-Stallworth TD:

“How about Donte Stallworth, he just showed up this week.  He was cut at the end of the preseason. 13, 14 weeks go by, and then Tom Brady sends him DEEP.

“And how about the throw by Tom Brady? He’s been knocked down several times….He stands in there like it’s 7 on 7, and throws a BEAUTIFUL pass.”

“And Stallworth can still do the thing that’s kept him in pro football for a long time.  That’s RUN.”

On the Texans D, “They block more shots than the Houston Rockets.” (And gots more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms)

“Watch the transition by Joseph. AND THEN THE WRAP PHYSICAL TACKLE! There’s nothing I don’t like about Johnathan Joseph.”

“It’s man to man on everybody. He’s got Lloyd in man-to-man, Welker in man-to-man, Hernandez has to man-to-man, and he’s gonna throw the ball instead to Michael Hoomanawanui. Doggone, Brady, that’s the one guy I can’t pronounce!”

After a Brady first-down run, “You think he likes to compete or what? 35 years old, he finds a way to get himself mentally and physically ready to do his job better and better EVERY SINGLE YEAR. You gotta love that enthusiasm.”

On Vince Wilfork, “Has he got some upper body power OR WHAT? Vince Wilfork is a powerful, STOUT, immovable object.”

After a Brandon Lloyd TD, recovering a Woodhead fumble, “Wow, that looked like a Cal Golden Bear-Stanford miracle play that time.” (Yeah, except for the kickoff, 15 laterals, game-changing result, and tuba player getting run over.)

“Tom Brady. I think he’s thrown 105 touchdowns and 20 interceptions in the last three years. You don’t do that in ARENA football, Mike.”

One more Brady, “People talk about Tom Brady and they talk about all the great plays he makes. Well, how ’bout all the bad plays he never makes?”  (Huh?)