Positively Gruden: Seahawks at Chargers

We can finally declare the NFL season upon us, because Jon Gruden is back to serve up his weekly course of positivity, hyperbole, and absurdity!  This is the first time we at “Positively Gruden” attempted to chronicle a preseason game and, initially, I was concerned that, given all the false starts, confusion, and just general crappiness associated with the preseason, there wouldn’t be enough material to fill out my customary top ten.  But fear not, Grudenites.  Because when life gives Jon Gruden lemons, he’s make the best lemonade, ever!  [I tell ya, this lemonade has tart, just the right amount of sweetness, fresh squeezed juice.  I like this lemonade, Jaws!]

This week’s top Grudenism contain the always hyperbolized Bob Sanders, the (atrocious) back-up quarterbacking crew of each team, Gruden’s fascination with tall cornerbacks, and, of course, his love of 90’s rap.  Enjoy!

10.  On the perpetually injured Bob Sanders, before even one pre-season snap, “This is a legitimate comeback player of the year candidate!”

9.   On Phillip Rivers, also before the first snap, “I just sense that Rivers is on a mission to kick the door down and get the Chargers to the Super Bowll”

8.   Really into tall guys, “I really want to keep an eye on Brandon Browner….Have you ever seen a 6’4″ corner?! This guy’s 6’4!”

7.   More Bob Sanders, apparently having traveled back in time to 2006, “Bob Sanders is an intimidator, he can play in the box, he can cap off and blow up piles.  I think he’s the comeback player of the year candidate.”

6.   After the Chargers’ third-stringer goes 0 for 1, for zero first downs, “[Scott] Tolzein has done a nice job of running this Charger offense…He’s a tough, young prospect.” [Tolzein eventually finished 5 for 12, with 64 yards in over a half of play]

5.   Even when he’s critical, it sounds positive, “You want to talk about an exciting play for the fans, this kickoff coverage for the Chargers was really exciting from a bad standpoint”

4.   Bill Volek’s value apparently comes from, er, knowing all the plays, “Bill Volek is a good veteran NFL quarterback….he’s a valuable guy. And he really helps Phillip Rivers with their weekly independent studies. What a great resource for Phillip Rivers and Norv Turner to have a veteran like Billy Volek.”

3.  2:48 into the pre-season, “Big first down for this Seahawk offense.”  [They converted, expect huge things from the Seahawks this year]

2.  On the Seahawks quarterbacking crew, possibly the worst in the league, “Let me tell you something fellas, if I were Tavaris Jackson, I’d want to get out there because [Charlie] Whitehurst looked good and so did [John] Portis.  They’ve got three pretty good quarterbacks here, Jaws!”

1.  After a Corey Liguet, the Chargers’ first round draft pick, stops a run for no gain, “That’s too Liuget to quit right there, Jaws!”