Positively Gruden: Ravens at Lions

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where I chronicle the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  This week’s Ravens-Lions clash featured one of the most dominating performance in the history of Monday Night Football.  No, not Calvin Johnson, Terrell Suggs, or Joe Flacco (and certainly not Matthew Stafford).  I’m talking about Justin Tucker, who with his 6 for 6 field goals including the 61-yard (!) game winner singlehandedly turned both the AFC and NFC playoff races on their heads.  His performance was so remarkable that I considered writing my first ever all-kicker “Positively Gruden” column.  But then I’d have to waste all the good non-kicker Grudenisms I had compiled during the game. And that would like pouring out great scotch.

As always top Grudenisms are graded on a slight scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

On the Lions defensive line: “I call these guys the Silver Bullet Band, Mike, ’cause they’ll ROCK ya”

However later, on the Ravens offensive line, “They have done a solid job quieting the Silver Bullet Band. I haven’t heard any instruments.”

On rookie Larry Warford, “This is no rookie.”

“Matthew Stafford has his own fundamentals.” (Yes, they’re called bad.)

More on Stafford, “That was a good hard count, he almost got me.”

On Glover Quin, “Glover just came over, he read that all the way…The ex-Houston Texan says hello.”

On Mike Tirico, “You look like you’re on a game show or something.”

On Joseph Fauria, “Pass receiving specialist and a real good dancer when he scores.”

Complaining about the refs, “That’s an armbar. That’s officiating 101.”

“You protect Joe Flacco, he’ll win another World Championship.” (That’s just science.)

After the final Stafford pick, “Guess who intercepted the pass? The young man who said Calvin Johnson was old or whatever his comments were earlier.”

Ok, enough of the openers, let’s get to the Justin Tucker highlights:

After his second field, on Tucker’s streak, “He doesn’t just make them, he hits majestic SHOTS. He’s good from anywhere in the field in any kind of weather. What a performer this Tucker is.”

Before his third field goal “Here’s Tucker, Mr. Automatic.” (Almost missed)

After his fourth field goal, “Buy that man a steak dinner.”

After his fifth field goal, “What a weapon, Justin Tucker.”

After his sixth and game-winning, field goal, “What’s the word I used, majestic? You can’t hit the ball any better than Tucker hit that one.”

“To sum it up in one word, pandemonium.” (Actually, this was Tucker in his postgame interview, but it fits.)