Positively Gruden: One For The Ages
Now this is what I’m talking about! After tepid start to the second season of PG, due to an unexaggerateable (totally a word) Patriots performance in Week 1, our favorite fawning former footballer broke out in a huge fashion in Week 2. That’s the thing about Gruden: the worse the game, the more fodder I get for this column. With the stinkfest put on by the Rams and Giants, the absurdity this week was simply off the charts, such that I had to make some major cuts to put together a Top 11. First it was Josh McDaniels’ geniusness as an offensive coordinator (that ended quickly), then it was Tom Coughlin’s Amazing Kreskin-like replay challenge ability, and finally it was the Giants’ POWER running game to seal the deal. In the meantime, we were treated to platitudes about a new animal species (Hynocerous), an apparent first-ballot Hall of Famer on the Rams’ (porous) defense, and a catch that was, quite simply, “one for the ages.”
Without further ado.
11. “Want a big receiver? how about this Danario Alexander from Alabama State?!” (Alexander went to Missouri)
10. “You have to have a fullback that will go in there and explode. You need some fire in the hole. And that’s what Harry Hynocerous, they call him, has done for the Giants!
9. “Boy, I like this (James) Laurinaitis, he’s my kind of guy. You want to get off the bus right behind this linebacker. This kid can play on any down. Tremendous stamina. This is the ringleader of the Rams!”
8. After a halftime ceremony honoring the ’86 Giants, “I love seeing those highlights, where Jaworski gets SMASHED by all those Giants. You can see Jaws get scared every time he sees Lawrence Taylor!”
7. A “this guy” trifecta in about a two minute timeframe, “This Rocky Bernard, he’s been doing it for years….This Jerious Norwood, he still has some juice…This elusive Ahmad Bradshaw, he’s exciting!”
6. Continuing his consistent love of large men, “What an open field tackle by Mathias Kiwanuka. You’re not gonna see many weak side linebackers that are 6’5, 280 lbs!”
5. “I’m sure we have statistics on this, but I say this every year, this Tom Coughlin, he gets a lot of these challenges right. I just know he’s the best in the NFL!” After the break, turns out Gruden was right; Coughlin is the only coach with an over 50% challenge rate. However, he made the exact same observation a month ago during a Giants preseason game.
4. After an out of bounds non-catch, “What a phenomenal catch by Hakeem Nicks!”
3. After a Manning-Nicks back shoulder TD, “I don’t think anybody does this better than the New York Giants. They run this fly stop better than anybody on the planet.” (The Packers, apparently, play on Mars)
2. Returning to the legendary Rams linebacker, “There’s not many guys in football that do more for their defense than Laurinaitis.” Using on Gruden’s definition of “many,” I can definitely state that:
– There’s not many restaurants that are healthier than Taco Bell
– I haven’t gotten drunk and watched Anchorman at 3 am very many times in my life
– Tiger Woods has not slept with many sleazy Perkins waitresses
– Antonio Cromarties does not have many kids
(Ok, you get the point)
1. After an amazing TD catch by Domenik Hixon, the best play of the night, Gruden can’t help but cross the line to hyperbole, “He makes a circus catch, that’s gotta be one of those top ten plays on SportsCenter.” (Totally accurate) “That’s awesome.” (It was) “Domenik Hixon makes one for the ages.” (There it is)