Positively Gruden: Miami at Tampa
Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where I chronicle that top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach. Last night featured perhaps the worst MNF match-up of the year, between the winless Tampa Bay Bucs and the trainwreck Miami Dolphins. It is only because I’m so handsomely compensated by TheFootballGirl.com that I was willing to sit through this football and chronicle the Grudenisms. But that’s why I’m here: so you can watch “Dancing with the Stars” and not feel guilty that you’re missing something important. Because it sure wasn’t the outcome of the game.
As one might expect, it was a pretty weak night for Grudenisms considering the level of play on the field. There were still some gems, though they more of the quick hit variety rather than the soliloquys we’re accustomed to hearing. And heavily Bucs’ focused, as the Dolphins basically didn’t show up for three quarters.
As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
On the Dolphins defensive coordinator, “Kevin Coyle is what I call the double-A-gap-guru.”
Two on Bucs’ QB Mike Glennon (though I’m not sure if these are compliments), “although he’s tall, he has surprising functional movement skills.”
“I gotta be careful because Rich Gannon was my quarterback, but Mike Glennon has a CANON. There’s no question about that. There’s a lot of Joe Flacco mannerisms in Mike Glennon.”
“Tampa’s been through five different left guards this season. I’ve heard of ‘changing of the guard’ but . . . “ (zing!)
On Dolphins WR Rashard Matthews, “He doesn’t lack confidence, he lacks experience.” (Is that better or worse?)
On Bucs CB Jonathan Banks, “He’s a Darrelle Revis notetaker.”
“You gotta credit Joe Philbin.” (Note: this quote was taken out of context, but at this point, I don’t think we should be crediting Joe Philbin for anything.)
On Ryan TannEhill (hard “E”), “He’s a rare athlete for a quarterback.”
More TannEhill, “Very accomplished shotgun ball-handler.”
On Dashon Goldson, “that’s the biggest hitter in the NFC when it comes to safeties.” (Both before and after the whistle.)
After the game-winning Bobby Rainey touchdown, “They used a running back nobody in Tampa, Florida has ever heard of.”
On Miami’s Reshad Jones, “That’s the ironman right there. He hasn’t missed a snap all year. The ironman comes off the weak side and TRACKS Bobby Rainey. That’s impressive.”
On the Bucs’ Mike Barron, “I really like the way Barron plays the game. The RED BARRON I call him.”
After a pass interference call, playing the role of Unfrozen Caveman Analyst, “I don’t see a lot there (chuckling). But I just don’t understand pass interference.”
Pregame on the Bucs QB, “I like their rookie quarterback, Mike Glennon. The only thing he hasn’t done yet is win a football game.” (Yep, that’s all.)
On Dolphins CB Brent Grimes, “I really think Grimes could be an Olympian acrobat.” (totally an Olympic sport.)