Welcome to another installment of “Positively Gruden,” where we capture the top absurdities, hyperbole, and just plain weirdness from our favorite fawning former coach. First off, to my regular readers, please let me offer my sincere apologies for my inexcusable absence for much of November. I was engaged in an intense contract dispute with The Football Girl herself, but we finally came to amicable terms, in which I agreed to withdraw my antitrust lawsuit in exchange for an extra cheesy-beefy-triple-steak-rancho-baja-doublestuffed-burrito-club-gordita-crunch from Taco Bell each Monday night. But rest assured that my performance for the remainder of the season will be the opposite of the New York Giants. Meaning, I’ll show up when it counts.
Last night’s Saints-Giants battle was billed as a pivotal match-up with playoff implications, only to quickly regress into another nail in the coffin that is Tom Coughlin’s coaching tenure in New York. Fortunately, though, the Grudenisms were flowing like wine! If you’ve caught even a smidgen of Monday Night Football telecasts, two things should quickly become apparent: Jon Gruden loves (a) athletic freaks; and (b) well-run offenses. The game provided some fodder for the former with the likes of Jimmy Graham (did you know he used to play basketball?!), Mark Ingram, and Brandon Jacobs. But it was really about the latter: Sean Payton and Drew Brees, aka, the football equivalent to Aristotle (the teacher) and Alexander the Great (the warrior). The offensive display was so impressive, and the praise so heavy, that Gruden perhaps unleashed his top Grudenism of all-time–a self-aware realization that he was, in fact, being a “cheerleader” for Drew Brees. But much like Dexter’s self-awareness about his “dark passenger” that requires him to murder people, or my need to eat that cheesy-beefy-triple-steak-rancho-baja-doublestuffed-burrito-club-gordita-crunch, Gruden simply couldn’t help himself.
Without further ado…
10. Clairvoyantly, on the opening series, “The Saints do it all on offense and Drew Brees is the conductor.” (Train or symphony?)
9. After a 4 yard garbage time run, “You better be ready for this Ingram because he will BLAST you.”
8. “These statistics are alarming to me. I’ve never seen offensive numbers thrown up by Drew Brees, Sean Payton, and the New Orleans Saints.” (Gruden apparently is unable to use the Internet.)
7. After a second Jimmy Graham TD, “I don’t know how you coach a defensive back to stop this big receiver.”
6. On Brandon Jacobs, “That’s a nightmare for a defensive back when you see this FREIGHT TRAIN coming at you.”
5. On blitz-happy Gregg Williams, Saints defensive coordinator, “He hasn’t called a blitz in 7 plays, he probably had the shakes down there.” (Now that’s just funny)
4. “When I see a Manning on Monday Night Football, I still have the holes in my chest to show you. These guys are something.” (I’m guessing Cooper isn’t included in this.)
3. On a running back who, apparently, can bend the space-time continuum, “Sproles needs no holes to run through. Man, he’s exciting. I think he’s the free agent acquisition of the year.”
2. “I know this about Sean Payton: every day Drew Brees comes to work, Payton stimulates him.” (I’m not even gonna go there.)
1. After a scramble and 10-yard pass, “Well, that’s just one of the great plays that Drew Brees has ever made….I don’t want to sound like a cheerleader here but….WAY TO GO BREES, THAT’S AWESOME!”