Positively Gruden, Giants at Lions: Philosophical Matters

Welcome to the inaugural 2014 edition of “Positively Gruden,” which chronicles the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  This week’s Giants-Lions match-up had all the making of a crapfest, and sure enough, that’s what we got.  The Giants are just plain bad, with a new West Coast offensive scheme that fits Eli Manning like a pair of newly whittled clogs.  Meanwhile, the Lions have adopted the Saints proven attack, and its former offensive coordinator.  Combined with Megatron, offseason acquisition Golden Tate, and a newly svelte Matt Stafford, the Lions have all the makings of a contender.  Well, at least until they blow four straight games with personal fouls, bad turnovers, and Jim Schw—oh wait, he’s gone.  Could the Lions actually be good this year?

As always, top Grudenisms are based on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

Dominique Rodgers Cromartie is here to play STAR coverage.  That’s when you say you go cover the star wide receiver.”

On Megatron, “If you’re gonna quick jam a 6’5” 230lb receiver, you better be one strong corner.”

More Megatron, “He can run over ya, he can run by ya, he can jump over ya, he can do it all.

Don’t mess around with these Manning brothers.” (Or else they’ll rap you to death)

How’d you like to be a defensive end, you work so hard to get a third and 9, only to get a 235lb man nudge you?” (Is this like tinder?)

Remembering the 90s, “I haven’t seen a two-back set in Detroit since Cory Schlesinger.”

This Antrel Rolle, he’s a student of the game. He’s been studying the Saints offense for the last three months.” (That can’t be right)

On the Lions running attack, searching for the metaphor, “It’s two very different backs….Bell is a hammer, Bush is a…perimeter back.”

On Nick Fairley, “His weight got way too high, they hired a chef, I read, Mike.”

On his early coaching days, “Man it was great, Mike. In Philadelphia I was 31 years old, calling plays in the preseason, we went 4-0, and the newspapers were calling me boy wonder.  But then Tampa Bay came to town, beat us 21-6, I was boy blunder.”

This Tampa-2 coverage. I call it the Turkey hole, between the corner and the safety. ”

Andre Williams is an interesting kid. He’s a philosophical kid, Mike. He reads poetry. He’s even written some philosophical memoirs. You oughta hang out with him.”