Positively Gruden, Dallas at Chicago: Where ‘Amazing’ Happens

Welcome to another rendition of Positively Gruden, where I break down the top cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  On a night when the Bears finally got around to retiring Mike Ditka’s #89 jersey, the Chicago fittingly took down the Cowboys with….an offensive explosion? Sorry, this is not the Chicago Bears of Ditka, Ryan, or even Lovie Smith’s days.  It’s an offensive juggernaut that might be equally and oppositely bad on defense.  The Cowboys, however, may be the only defense that is currently playing worse than that Bears.  That combination led to a litany of Grudenisms commending Matt Forte, Alshon Jeffery, and Josh McCown’s “championship performance.” Though the top Grudenism of the night came in the game’s final seconds, featuring an ex-Bear that is nothing short of “amazing.”

As always, Grudenisms are ranked on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

On Matt Forte, “He might just be the best blitz pickup back in football.”

After a Josh McCown audible and TD, “He read the Cowboys like the back of his hand and he SHREDS them.”

On the Dallas defense, “You have to have a media guide to keep track of who’s come and gone for the Cowboys’ front four.”

Kyle Long, he’s gonna be on somebody’s Pro Bowl team quick.  That’s just good blocking…PUNISHING inside two back run.”

Reminiscing on the Cowboys’ D (when they were actually good), “Try blocking Charles Haley with Leon Lett and Russell Maryland pouring inside.”

On Matt Forte, “He wants to get out of here. He wants to put some long sleeves on.”

On Alshon Jeffery, “He has been a human highlight video for the Chicago Bears.”

On Marc Trestman, “Look at that play sheet, he’s got about a thousand plays.”

On Tyron Smith, “I think he’s the best left tackle I’ve seen.” (who?)

After a Bears 31 yard field goal, “This Robbie Gould is something…what a performer.

On the Cowboys’ play calling, “It’s a collaboration that includes Tony Romo. Everything else is just a charade.” (No, it’s all a charade in Dallas)

On Ray Lewis’ attire, “He could play 30 snaps at linebacker in that hat….How fun is it to hang out with Ray Lewis?” (Don’t answer that)

On Josh McCown, “He might be the first two-timer Gruden grinder ever… He’s playing like a championship quarterback tonight. I saw him dive over four Cowboys for a TD.”

This Kyle Orton is an amazing quarterback.”