Positively Gruden, Cleveland at Washington: Johnny Be Bad

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we break down the top cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  Last night’s game against the RGIII-led Washington football team and the Johnny Manz—er, Brian Hoyer-led Cleveland Browns must have been the most eagerly anticipated preseason football game in the history of TheFootballGirl.com. And from the profound musical interlude, backing up the artistic black and white still frames of the two famed college quarterbacks, you just knew this game had special meaning…even if it had no meaning at all.  I could barely contain my excitement as I settled in for a sold quarter or quarter and-a-half of first team NFL football! Surely, the Grudenisms would fly off the screen.

But then….THUD.  Somehow, amidst all the hype, we forgot that the DCers continually shoot themselves in the foot with turnovers, RGIII plays the game like he’s trying to get injured, and Johnny Football still doesn’t quite grasp what huddles or, you know, actual NFL plays are.  Combine all that with the Gruden and Tirico’s clear discomfort with saying that new four-letter word, Redskins (damn, I said it!), and it made for an uncommonly dour night of football.  Nights like that just make you want to give the world the middle finger.

But even in the darkest of football nights, we are always guided to the light of Grudenisms.  Sometimes you just have to look a little harder and use the DVR buttons a little more, and sooner or later they’ll turn up.  So without further ado:

Pregame: “I want to see Manziel spread some if that magic dust around Cleveland.” (Um, isn’t that the kind of thing that’s getting JFF into trouble?)

Armonty Brante, don’t forget that name.” (already forgot it)

“You gotta be a smart football player to survive Mike Pettine’s meetings. They already have 90 defenses in, and they’ll have 50 or 60 defense in every game plan.”

“Johnny Football, he’s a rare playmaker, but he’s also a known risk taker.” (also, booty shaker, leaf raker, and muffin baker)

After a Jay Gruden unsportsmanlike conduct penalty: “I don’t know where he got that from, Mike.”

Curtis Johnson, Wide Receivers coach of the New Orleans Saints, really stood out as one of the great Wide Receivers coaches that I’ve seen work on the practice field.”

Explaining JFF’s difficulties with the huddle: “You gotta stare at your teammates, you gotta speak clearly, you gotta say it fast, and you‘ve gotta give some reminders.” (Sounds tough)

On play calling: “It doesn’t matter how it sounds in these fancy headsets, if the quarterback doesn’t understand it, it doesn’t matter.”

“Pass interference calls should call themselves.”

“If you were to say that Josh Gordon would have 1,600 yards, coming off a Pro Bowl season, and be playing in the fourth quarter of a preseason game, I’d say….probably not.”

“Colt McCoy likes this Redskins system.” (Immediately throws a pick-6)

On Manziel: “It’s like Mick Jagger learning the lyrics from The Who”