Positively Gruden, 49ers at Redskins: No Pie Discrimination Allowed
Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where I break down the top cheers, compliments, and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach. After last week’s Panthers-Patriots thriller, we knew we were in for a bit of a letdown last night with two sputtering “young” QBs, RGIII and CK1. However, as the game showed, the 49ers’ other players are just a tad more talented than the salary-cap strapped Redskins. This led to a dominating performance by the 49ers and, thus, a nearly uniform set of Niners-centric Grudensims.
Though I should note that the top Grudenism of the night has absolutely nothing to do with the 49ers, or the game itself. Rather, it’s the perfect symbol for why this column exists.
As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
“When you have linebackers like NaVorro Bowman, who can run sideline to sideline, it sure makes you sleep easier if you’re a 49er fan.”
On the 49ers complicated offensive scheme, “You’ll even see a tackle playing wide receiver tonight.”
“This is unbelievable, he blurs the screen…Donte Whitner says go ahead, do it again.”
“I don’t know what the Redskins are doing, but they might want to run the other way because Ahmad Brooks is TAKING it to the Redskins right now.”
On Marcus Lattimore, “if he regains his form, I want to apply for the running back (coach) job for the 49ers.” (Might want to set your sights higher.)
On the 49ers defensive lineman, “That’s why they can play all night because they’re in such great condition, they’re not carrying any extra BAGGAGE.”
On Anquan Boldin, “Not many wide receivers have the COURAGE to run straight to the seam with a free safety bearing down on that and take a HIT….Anquan Boldin is as tough as they get.”
“I have fun watching these gimmick runs the 49ers run….here comes 650lbs of pulling guards.”
Remembering the 80s, “This is the mecca of the West Coast offense…two global franchises that have been around the NFL and dominated, with multiple championships.”
But now, “I’ve seen Colin Kaepernick pirouetteing, we’re talking multiple guards pulling. Boy, times have changed. That’s what you have to keep on your Xs and Os, Mike.”
“I tell ya, Navorro Bowman, Patrick Willis, these two are the real deal. They don’t mess around. They will SMASH YOU if you have the ball within their vicinity.”
“Patrick Willis just said, Hello Helu!”
On coaching, “it’s the penthouse and the outhouse, and trust me, I got to the outhouse FAST after staying in the penthouse.”
“Donte Whitner is not only the leader of the secondary, he’s the leader of this 49er football team.” (Sure he is. The guy that almost changed his name to “Hitner”)
On his favorite pie, “I was going to say pumpkin pie until I saw that pecan pie there. I like all kinds of pie.”