Positively Gruden 2014, Week 3: Bears at Jets, Field of Dreams Edition

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top cheers, compliments and commendations from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  With the NFL in crisis mode, it is good to know we have Coach Gruden to lean on is our time of need.  He’s the one person who can be counted to maintain constant positivity, no matter the scandals, the cover-ups, the bungling of the Commissioners’ office, or the redzone ineptness of Geno Smith.  And I’m only half-joking here.  The NFL, for most fans, serves an escape from reality from our otherwise dull and mundane lives, and it’s gotten just a bit too “real” the last few weeks.  Fortunately for us, there’s Jon Gruden, whose view of reality is so rosily skewed that we can’t help but hop aboard his joyride.

Oh yeah, there was a game last night and the Bears won, but you knew that already.  Let’s get to the Grudenisms.

As always, top Grudenisms are rated on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

On the Jets’ defensive line: I call them Sons of Anarchy.” (Yep, a white, outlaw motorcycle club. That makes sense.)

On Lance Briggs: One of the best downhill linebackers the Bears have ever seen.”

This Calvin Pryor will SMACK ya!

After a Jets sack:This Rex Ryan is unbelievable…that’s an old fashioned, jail break BLITZ.

After a Ryan Mundy pick-6:  “Mundy Night Football!” (Sorry, that was Tirico channeling his inner Chris Berman)

The zone read is INVADING the NFL, Mike. I don’t know if I like it or not.”

On Chris Ivory:He has finishing speed, and he can Run. You. Over.”

More Ivory:This is a rolling ball of butcher knives, it’s all knees and elbows.”

It’s like Field of Dreams right now for Jay Cutler.”

On Bears rookie defensive back Brock Vereen:This guy’s played more positions in three weeks than most guys play in a lifetime.”

On Rex Ryan’s schemes:  “Some of these I can’t even draw on the back of a card.”

After a Jets tackle for no gain:That makes me proud, Mike, and I’m not even a Jet coach.” (yet…..)

After several Bears injuries:  “I guarantee you [Lance] Briggs doesn’t even know half of these Bears’ defenders names.”

On Kyle Fuller:What a future he has, he’s a VICIOUS tackling corner for a young man. I like everything about him.” (Everything?)

Gruden, the unfrozen caveman statistician: “Chris Ivory makes as much after contact as any back in football, and I’m sure statistics back that up.”