Positively Gruden 2014, Seattle at Washington: Stock Market Edition

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  This week featured an unexpectedly entertaining game between the Seahawks and Redskins, but one that was ultimately won by the uncontainable Russell Wilson.  As expected, Gruden’s love primarily focused on the Seahawks, as the coach couldn’t help but gush about the myriad of athletic freaks on the Seahawks roster.

As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

“K.J. Wright wears number 50. He plays every position at linebacker you want a linebacker to play . . . An every down wrecking machine.”

“How’dya like to be the play-by-play man of the Seahawks, I bet he has alotta fun calling these games, Mike.”

“If [Kirk] Cousins gets HOT, I’ve seen him do some really exciting things, Mike.”

“At third down and 10, this is where the Seahawks defense are the best in football, and this is where the Redskins . . . obviously aren’t.”

On Seahawks gunner Ricardo Lockette, “looks like Usain Bolt.”

On his non-football brother, “Dr. Jim, he’s the doctor up top. He’s a doctor in New York City, he got all the brains.”

After a nice tackle, “Frank Kearse. Should get a STICKER for his helmet for that effort….that’s impressive.”

“You lose DeAngelo Hall, your best corner…” (Actually, if DeAngelo Hall is your best corner, you’re pretty much screwed.)

On Earl Thomas, “true story, he sleeps on the locker room floor on the nights before games.” (That can’t be true.)

On Marshawn Lynch, “he’s like tackling a 230lb SLALOM skier. Good LUCK!”

“Cliff Avril should buy stock in Monday Night Football.  He has a sack in all four games.” (I’m not sure Gruden knows what stocks are.)

“I’ll bet Kevin Williams has as many blocked shots as Shaquille O’Neal. That might be incorrect, but you get the picture.”

After Russell Wilson scramble and pass to seal the game, “that might have been the greatest play I’ve seen Russell Wilson make, and that’s saying something.” (Actually, from Gruden, that’s not saying much at all)