Positively Gruden: Saints vs. Bears: Gruden Gets Nauseous

Welcome to another rendition of Positively Gruden, where we chronicle the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former co—

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We interrupt our regularly scheduled program for a special announcement. Due to extenuating circumstances associated with the trainwreck of a football team known as the Chicago Bears, our finely calibrated Gruden-positron recording system experienced significant malfunction last night. What follows can only be described as a series of error messages, as Coach Gruden succumbed to the dark side of criticism due to the Bears dreadful performance.

It’s hard to believe, but these are actual quotes from Jon Gruden. There’s no hyperbole, no vivid imagery, and no absurdity (well, just a little), just a sobering account of how bad things have gotten in Chicago. Seriously, who wants that? Fortunately, we have Peyton Manning coming to town next week, so I fully expect our positron system to be fixed by then.

“I don’t know what can happen next, Mike, but this has been a hard watch.” Tirico responds, “It’s only halfway through the first quarter.”

“The Bears look chaotic and disorganized on offense.”

After a botched fake punt, “Fake a punt with ten men…hard to swallow.”

After a Jay Cutler fumble, “Ball security and issues with the former COMMODORE from Vanderbilt.  Gotta do better with that.”

After a Bears false start, “That’s the 20th time, Mike, and I hold my stomach. I just can’t stand all the pre-snap penalties with the Chicago Bears…..125 false starts, 20 this year. Intolerable in pro football. Can’t happen.”

“It’s gotta be something with Jay Cutler’s char, er, cadence. His etiquette at the line must improve!” (Yeah, that’s the problem with Cutler, poor etiquette)

“At some point we need to credit the Saints defense, Mike.” (Nice try coach, but you don’t)

“Briggs and Urlacher, what they brought to the Bears over the last decade. They were WRECKING MACHINES, and the intelligence they brought to the games was unmatched.” (Yeah, those guys are gone.)

On Drew Brees, “he’s like a surgeon” (Cutting for the very first time…sorry, needed one fun one.)

Before the half, “you’re gonna hear the Bear fans boo real loud in about fifteen seconds.”

“One of the most disappointing offensive first halves I’ve seen from anybody in awhile.”

Right after halftime.“the Bears performance on the field is exactly what it was when they came out of the locker room: lethargic, non-competitive…ugly.”

After a Saints pick, “Pierre Warren may be going to the Pro Bowl if he plays Chicago anymore.”

After another false state, “you got wide receivers and false starts, you gotta consider pulling them out of the game…are you kidding me? That’s amateur football there. That’s intolerable.”

“So many mistakes, we can’t count ’em.”

“A lot of indecision, poor communication and bad results tonight for this Bear offense.”

After the final Bears fail, “an exclamation point on a dreadful evening for Jay Cutler and this Chicago Bear offense….Ugly…..But back to Drew Brees for a second because I want to cheer myself up…..”

(See that, you can only keep Jon Gruden down so for long. Until next week!)