NFL Shenanigans: Week 17 Non-Prediction Predictions

These are the last games of the 2015 season. That makes me sad. On the other hand, we now get to watch playoff games instead of the Cowboys (Hey, does anybody know how things went with signing terrible person Greg Hardy this season?} So to wrap up the regular-season, here are all the things that are definitely not going to happen in this weekend’s games.

Jaguars at Texans

Although star pass-rusher JJ Watt has gnawed the cast off of his hand, he and DeAndre Hopkins will not be playing on Sunday because the Texans want to keep their key players healthy for the playoffs. So, those two. The Jaguars will beat the Texans on Sunday and prepare for next season when they will welcome back injured rookie Dante Fowler. Also, all of their rookies will attend training camp in those inflatable sumo suits. They will never be able to wash off the smell of melting polyester, but they are going to be so safe.

Steelers at Browns

A Steelers team fueled by regret and sexual tension will defeat the Austin Davis-led Browns on Sunday. This is no biggie to Mike Pettine, who is not only eyebrows-deep in water on his sinking coaching ship, but has also cut holes in all the life preservers as his final act of self-destruction. Today is a good day to die.

Jets at Bills

The Jets beat the Patriots last week because God decided he owed us one. They will also beat the Bills this week. With Mario Williams checked out and LeSean McCoy out out, Bills’ players put on an impressive show of “we don’t give a care” on Sunday. The defense is reduced to half-hearted slap fights at the line as they count the seconds to the off-season.

Patriots at Dolphins

The Dolphins will win this weekend after a ferocious battle with Tom Brady and the Patriots’ scout team.

Titans at Colts

At the end of a disappointing season, the Colts beat the Titans on Sunday because that is what teams do. Chuck Pagano, who has managed to keep his sense of humor, starts Josh Freeman and calls bizarre, never-before-seen trick plays like, “The Pantser,” “The Mahalo 360,” and, “ The My Other Quarterback Pees Blood.” Fare the well, Chuck.

Ravens at Bengals

The Ravens lose to the Bengals on Sunday. This doesn’t faze a confident Ryan Mallett, however, who says, “Well, we’re disappointed with the loss, but we’re just going to go home, rest up, and get ready for next week’s game.”

Redskins at Cowboys

It’s racism versus the hell-bound again in this Sunday match-up, which of course the D.C. Turd Biscuits (the less offensive name I’ve picked for the Redskins) win in a romp over the Cowboys. It’s a fitting end to a terrible season for a morally-vacant team. The end.

Saints at Falcons

The Falcons will end an up-and-down season with a loss to the Saints this weekend. Sean Payton, who is doing the backstroke in the water that has fully submerged his sinking coaching ship, is thrilled to avoid the team’s first 10-game loss since 2005, saying, “I love the idea of working with Andrew Luck, but I also like the security of the Giants job. It’s gonna be a tough call.”

Lions at Bears

The Bears beat the Lions, and an emotional Jim Caldwell blinks twice in devastation.

Eagles at Giants

In their first game without Chip Kelly, a well-rested Eagles team blows past the Giants for a win under interim head coach Pat Shurmur. Says Darren Sproles, “This week has been amazing: the first time Coach Shurmur said we didn’t have to run during our water break, I cried.” DeMarco Murray, who gets more touches than he has all season, is also excited about the change, saying, “While I have appreciated my time as ‘Hulking Sideline Presence,’ it feels good to play football again.”

Rams at 49ers

If the Rams had won this game, they would have had their first four-game winning streak since 2003. However, since they are playing the lowly 49ers, they will lose. Coach Jeff Fisher, when asked if he’s worried about the water sloshing about in the third class cabins of his sinking coaching ship, says, “Our owner Mr. Korenke is a man who appreciates consistency, and I have been nothing but consistent during my time here. My mustache and I will see you in L.A.”

Buccaneers at Panthers

The Panthers play their starters long enough to get an enormous lead before taking them out halfway through the first quarter. With Derek Anderson in at quarterback, Cam Newton throws a luau on the sideline. Newton serves fans meat from a pig he has roasted in a pit he dug under one of the end zones and earns applause when he gets involved in the audience participation section and learns how to hula. Let the man celebrate, y’all!

Raiders at Chiefs

The Raiders upset the Chiefs in a stunning overtime win. They have their first 8-8 season since 2011. Kicker Sebastian Janikowski sets an NFL record for field goals of 50-yards or more and gets a few slaps on the back before Khalil Mack makes two sacks to beat the team’s single-season record and gets carried off the field. Sorry, kickers.

Chargers at Broncos

With future hall of fame backup quarterback Peyton Manning at the ready, the Broncos beat the Chargers on Sunday. Manning goes in for Osweiler during the fourth quarter, bringing the crowd to its feet. It’s a beautiful moment until Peyton gets sacked and throws his back out. His screams are heard throughout the stadium, and as he is carted off Denver fans applaud, holding up signs that say, “Peyton, we love you. Now, please go home forever.”

Seahawks at Cardinals

The Cardinals will beat the Seahawks, putting Seattle’s end-of-season comeback to the test. As a biased Seahawks fan, I have no jokes here.

Vikings at Packers

In the NFC North title game, the Packers rebound from their blowout loss to the Cardinals last week by defeating the Vikings at Lambeau Field. Although this means that the Packers now get home field advantage, the Vikings are comforted by the fact that they will be playing the Redskins next week instead of the Seahawks or Packers. The players get busy trying to come up with offensive things for Kirk Cousins to “like.” The rear ends of many Redskins players’ moms make the list.