NFL Shenanigans: Week 15 Non-Prediction Predictions

Chiefs at Ravens

The team on a seven-win hot streak versus the team that is the Ravens. Though the Ravens go into the game feeling confident with Clausen, Schaub, and Mallett as their murderer’s row of quarterbacks, they lose to the Chiefs. Mallett ends up getting a ride home from a fan after he is unable to find his car in the team’s parking lot. Oh, Ryan.

Texans at Colts

An injured Matt Hasselbeck starts for the Colts but has to leave the game during the second quarter after complaining that, ”breathing hurts me.” That means it’s Clipboard Jesus time, and the backup QB skillfully leads the Colts to yet another loss. After one of JJ Watt’s many sacks on Charlie Whitehurst, he holds out his unbroken hand as if to help him off the ground and says, “Here, let me give you a hand — it’s the only one I’ve got!” And so it’s another red letter day for the crew of Sound FX.

Titans at Patriots

Tom Brady, seeking some excitement at the end of the season, gives himself botulism a few days before the game. Though listed as “questionable” through Friday, our hero manages to start his home game against the Titans and shuts them out, 51-0. “Boy,” he says later, “can you believe how close we came to not having me play and yet I still came in and managed to play better than ever? What a team. What a me.”

Bills at Redskins

The Bills manage to pull it together and beat the Turd Biscuits on Sunday (“Turd Biscuits” is my less offensive name for the Redskins.) Sammy Watkins and LeSean McCoy turn in all-star performances, but everyone knows that the key to the Bills’ success is safety Bacarri Rambo, who was cut by the Turd Biscuits in 2014 before signing with Buffalo. In post-game interviews, his teammates talk about how glad they were to get this win for Rambo because they knew what an important game this was for him. That night, LeSean McCoy draws penises on all of their lockers.

Bears at Vikings

The Vikings, despite their depleted defense, manage a win over the Bears this weekend. Says Mike Zimmer, “F**k me, f**k you, f**k yes!” Don’t worry — there will be t-shirts made.

Panthers at Giants

The happiest team in the world extends their unbeaten record with a win over the Giants. Cam Newton raises some eyebrows when he pops open a bottle of champagne and starts spraying the crowd with it, and officials have no choice but to penalize him for handing out party horns and 2016 eyeglasses. But can you blame the guy? If I got to go to a Panthers home game this season, I would bring cake and ice cream, some confetti, and cards for the team that say things like, “Congratulations on your big day!” and “We knew you could do it. Way to go, Graduate Player!”

Falcons at Jaguars

The Falcons have scored two touchdowns over the past three games; as of Sunday, that will become two over the past four games. Despite a terrible Jaguars secondary, Matt Ryan continues to throw incomplete passes to a double-teamed Julio Jones. Like last week, the Falcons check out of the game in the second half. An unprecedented ten players leave the game with bad cases of, “something hurts in my leg or something.” Also, the defensive line comes out for the fourth quarter wearing sweatpants. They are so over it, you guys.

Packers at Raiders

It’s a Super Bowl II rematch! And Green Bay won that one, too! Yes, the Raiders will lose to the Packers this week. It was really sweet, however, when Aaron Rodgers said before the game  that playing with Charles Woodson on the Packers scout team, “made me a lot better player.”

Browns at Seahawks

Johnny Manziel finally got a chance to prove himself as a quarterback by playing the Seahawks this week. Said Mike Pettine, “This week is all about how he overcomes adversity. Confidence-sucking, soul-numbing adversity.” And in the Browns’ loss to the Seahawks on Sunday, Manziel earns kudos from his teammates for not quitting, which was about all they could hope for. They were not as happy about the punishment handed down to running back Isaiah Crowell, who was benched by Pettine for losing one of his hotel room key cards.

Bengals at 49ers

In a shocker, the 49ers defeat the Bengals at Levi’s Stadium. Says quarterback AJ McCarron about his second start, “Well, in Tom Brady’s thirdgame as starter he had a 58.7 passer rating and lost 30-10 to the Dolphins. So…I think this is a pretty positive sign.” Meanwhile, Blaine Gabbert fights his way through an injury he suffers when Vontaze Burfict falls head-first into his junk. Says Burfict afterward, “I did not even see him there, to be honest. I tripped on the center’s face and tried to soften my landing by going head first. I’m sorry, and I’ll get my checkbook.”

Broncos at Steelers

It’s the Steelers and their second-ranked offense against the Broncos and their first-ranked defense. As tends to be the case, defense wins out and Brock Osweiler suffers his second loss as the Broncos’ starting quarterback. Peyton Manning, who worked with the scout team this week, laughs quietly to himself while enjoying the 1,000 Nationwide Plenti points he is earning this holiday season.

Dolphins at Chargers

There were no playoff spots at stake here, only pride. And the Chargers maintain some of theirs by beating the Dolphins in what might be their last home game in San Diego. Oddly, the stands are again filled with fans of the opposing team — exhausted Miamians with their tiny little Cuban coffees show up to boo everyone. After the game, Philip Rivers has trouble focusing on the media’s questions and keeps mumbling, “Eight kids…How the hell am I going to move eight kids…?”

Cardinals at Eagles

The Cardinals clinch the division in this win over the Eagles in Philadelphia. The uneven Eagles in their all-black uniforms play very poorly, and Chip Kelly is heard saying, “Boy, I sure am glad we got flexed into prime time for this humiliation. Thanks, Obama.”

Lions at Saints

Calvin Johnson has had four receptions during the Lions’ past two losses. The coaches think that over, and decide to target Johnson more during this game. It works out well for them, and the Lions handily beat the Saints. Monday Night Football: hours that you really should have spent doing something else.