NFL Shenanigans: Week 14 Non-Prediction Predictions
Lions at Rams
The Lions and the Rams meet on Sunday for a hotly contested Stoic Coach-Off. It’s Fisher V Caldwell in an epic battle of blankness. By the 4th quarter the two are neck and neck, having shown no expression after a few disastrous plays on both sides: At one point Case Keenum falls to the ground untouched after the snap and crawls under the nearest defender. He is awarded half a sack on himself. Todd Gurley gets shut down yet again but argues with Fisher that it’s because he “just can’t get enough of that contact. Boy, do I love contact.” The Lions win and the Coach-Off is a tie.
Falcons at Panthers
Will this end up being the trap game that finally breaks the Panthers’ winning streak? No. The Panthers will beat the Falcons on Sunday, who have now lost six games in a row. Dan Quinn’s affection for the field goal and Matt Ryan’s terrified throws are their downfalls in the end. Panthers’ players not named Cam Newton express their frustration with the media by changing the names on their jerseys to: “No One,” “Nobody III,” and the hyphenated, “On-Cams-Back,” among others. Says Jonathan Stewart after, “We are men with no names. We are Cam Newton’s nobody.” You could tell he was being sarcastic, though.
Redskins at Bears
The Redskins…no. You know what? Until they change their name, I am going to call them something I’m more comfortable with. How about, “The D.C. Turd Biscuits.” So, the Turd Biscuits do manage to beat the Bears at home this weekend, breaking their nine-game losing streak on the road. After the game, Turds’ quarterback Kirk Cousins says excitedly, “This has got to mean we’re in the playoffs, right?! I mean, do we even have to win any of our last three games? Probably not, right?!”
Bills at Eagles
A salty and vengeful Rex Ryan and his Buffalo Bills beat the Eagles on Sunday after what is an ironically “chippy” game (because you know why and yes that’s funny.) It’s clear from the coin toss when he sends out LeSean McCoy, Richie Incognito, and IK Enemkpali as captains that this game was going to be on the ouchy side. Also, Chip Kelly’s decision to put Byron Maxwell on Sammy Watkins does not pay off. He says later that it was something about, “reverse psychology.” I don’t know. The man is a misunderstood genius.
49ers at Browns
It’s the Blaine and Johnny Show, and we are all extremely underwhelmed to be there. In this fight for the first draft pick, the 49ers crush the Manziel-led Browns. In an impressive move, Manziel invites the team to a post-game party with an invitation that reads:
Cider in the Toilets!
Come drink apple cider with Johnny in the privacy of the team bathroom, third stall from the end.
I think he’s finally learning.
Saints at Buccaneers
The Buccaneers continue to show life after they beat the Saints this weekend. Jameis Winston continues to impress and scare his teammates when he takes on the role of gunner in the team’s punt returns. “The more you can do, right? Goddamnit, I love my team!” he says. The Saints loss is largely attributed to Brandon Browner, after he is called for a record number of penalties for holding, face masks, and pass interference during the game. Says Browner later, “The more you can do, right coach?” “F**k you, Brandon,” says Sean Payton.
Seahawks at Ravens
Poor Jimmy Clausen gets the start against the Seahawks on Sunday, making him the sixth quarterback in NFL history to start for two different teams against the same team in a single season. He becomes the first quarterback in NFL history, though, to get shut out both times. Someone needs to do welfare checks on John Harbaugh next week.
Chargers at Chiefs
“Hey Chiefs fans, are you coming to the game this weekend?”
“Really? But you’re playing the Chargers!”
“But tickets are only $7!”
This is all for the best, as the Chiefs easily beat the Chargers on a cold, wet, December day. In Missouri.
Colts at Jaguars
Unfortunately for the Colts, having an injured 40-year-old back-up QB as your starter does them no favors in their game against the Jaguars, who beat them in a close game. Still, they name Matt Hasselbeck the starter for week 15, leaving a healthy Clipboard Jesus on the bench yet again. They’re just jealous, Charlie. Don’t you dare change on us.
Titans at Jets
The Jets destroy the Titans, whose secondary is unable to stop Brandon Marshall, or Eric Decker, or even left tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson, who gets his first NFL touchdown. In the end, it came down to who wanted it more — the Jets were looking to get a spot in the playoffs, while the Titans were looking to get home in time to watch “Anything for Christmas,” a romantic comedy playing on the Ion channel at 8pm in which, “…chaos with exes, misunderstandings, parents and in-laws all imperil John and Grace’s relationship. But can they get it sorted out in time for the holidays?” I don’t know about you, but I say YES!
Steelers at Bengals
Though we are getting dangerously close to January, Andy Dalton pulls out yet another win for the talented Bengals. Welcome back, Tyler Eifert. Here are all the touchdowns you’ve missed.
Raiders at Broncos
No one is more disappointed to see the Raiders beat the Broncos on Sunday than Denver’s Appliance Factory and Mattress Kingdom (oddly enough, this is one store), which promised free goods to consumers if Denver shut out Oakland. There were to be no free Posturepedics or Frigidaires this week, however, as Brock Osweiler suffers his first loss as quarterback. Can someone say, quarterback controversy?!
Cowboys at Packers
After two losses and a win on a Hail Mary, the Packers finally get some mojo back when they beat the Cowboys at Lambeau. This is mainly because the morally derelict Cowboys will not experience joy as long as their roster stays the same. Even Dez Bryant’s legally binding weddings to each and every football he gets in his hands do not lead to enough official catches for a win.
Patriots at Texans
JJ Watt just happens to break his hand before the Patriots come to town? Likely story, Tom Brady. Anyway. The Patriots win because of course they do.
Giants at Dolphins
Monday Night Football wins again with an action-packed game between the Giants and the Dolphins. The Giants win by a hair and coaches Tom Coughlin and Dan Campbell bond while talking about their plans for next season. Tom’s buying an RV and Dan is going back to school for a degree in Decision Sciences (that’s a real thing, and Indiana University should be ashamed.)