NFL Shenanigans: Week 13 Non-Prediction Predictions

Bengals at Browns

The Browns plan for full bore self-destruction continues Sunday when they lose to the Bengals. Halfway through the game, third-string starting quarterback Austin Davis gets injured, and though the crowd chants for Johnny Manziel, the Browns instead put in new acquisition Terrelle Pryor under center. In a related note, Mike Pettine’s children were grounded four years ago, and no one has seen them since. That man does not joke around

Texans at Bills

The Texans break their four-game winning streak when they lose to the Bills this weekend. An eternally mic’d up JJ Watt is heard taunting the Bills’ offense with his trademark wit. For example, he says, “Bills? You can’t pay these bills!” and “Hey, that guy covering me is terrible.” Next week on mic’d up, Bill Belichick grunts for thirty minutes.

Ravens at Dolphins

Unfortunately for Ndamukong Suh, despite his motivational locker room speech in which he told his teammates that he “runs this defense” and that “only a handful of guys are good enough to play with me,” they do not rally behind him and instead lose to the Ravens at home. After this loss he again addresses the team, this time by lighting a cigar made of $100 bills and taking a dump on the Dolphins’ logo. So…look out, Giants!

49ers at Bears

The Bears’ season continues to improve when they beat the beleaguered 49ers this weekend. Fans filled Soldier Field for this Gabbert V Cutler showdown, and they were not disappointed. Though the Bears’ run defense was terrible, they were helped greatly when the 49ers’ new featured running back, an exhausted Shaun Draughn, surprised everyone by announcing his retirement at halftime. After the game, Coach Jim Tomsula spent 45 minutes alone in a bathroom stall (“Thinking…I was just…thinking.”) before he could be coaxed out and carried onto the team bus.

Seahawks at Vikings

Did you know that the Vikings have the best record in NFL history for a team playing in a temporary stadium? Isn’t that something? The answer, of course, is no. And it doesn’t help a bit when the Seahawks steamroll them on Sunday. Surprisingly, the loss of Jimmy Graham only improves the now 6-6 team. As quarterback Russell Wilson says after the game, “‘Red zone threat?’ What are we going to do with a ‘red zone threat’? I think if this team has proven anything, it’s that we can handle the red zone just fine, thank you very much!” And with that he flings his scarf around his neck and flounces right out of the room.

Jaguars at Titans

And God said, “Eeny meeny miney…Titans.” So, fine — the Titans win on Sunday. The turning point in the game comes when Coach Mike Mularkey whispers in Marcus Mariota’s ear, “Fly, little bird. Fly free,” which unleashes the quarterback’s running game and puts them over the top.

Jets at Giants

In a game that one sports journalist incorrectly called, “a possible Super Bowl preview,” the Giants beat the Jets at their mutual home, Metlife Stadium. The lack of Darrelle Revis and the addition of Antonio Cromartie on Odell Beckham Jr. spells disaster for Gang Green as Eli Manning targets the receiver again and again for touchdown after touchdown. The Jets’ offense also has no answer for Jason Pierre-Paul, who, just as our other senses get stronger when one of them is taken away, has only improved at football since the loss of his right index finger.

Cardinals at Rams

The Rams lose to the Cardinals, but they do so with great f**king effort.

Falcons at Buccaneers

The Falcons’ slide into the dark abyss continues when they lose to the Buccaneers. The team is deeply disappointed, especially after the “players only” meeting they held earlier in the week to delicately present a new game plan to quarterback Matt Ryan. Said Julio Jones, “We were like, ‘Listen, Matt, maybe you should do not so much of the throwing of the ball and maybe a little more of the giving it to someone else.’ And he looked at me and said, ‘Et tu, Julio?’ It was heartbreaking.”

Broncos at Chargers

The Broncos defeat the Chargers on Sunday after a killer game by quarterback Brock Osweiler. The crowd loves him, and when the song Eye of The Tiger comes on the entire stadium chants, “Brock. Brock Brock Brock. Brock Brock Brock. Brock Brock Broooooooooock.” Osweiler’s family, who hitchhiked all the way from Montana to California – sleeping in truck stops and trading sexual favors for food – are again in the stands to cheer on their boy.

Chiefs at Raiders

The Raiders, the team everyone wants to win games but who isn’t winning games, wins this game against a stunned Chiefs team. With Justin Houston out, Derek Carr has his way with the Chiefs’ defense. Raiders’ defensive end Khalil Mack brings a tattoo artist to the game and gets a teardrop tattoo every time he sacks Alex Smith. I’m not going to kid you, it’s pretty terrifying.

Panthers at Saints

Oh, the poor Saints. They come shuffling out of their locker room to meet the Panthers singing, “Nobody knows the trouble I seen…Nobody knows my sorrow…” The Panthers score an astonishing 59 points on the Saints’ defense, and after every touchdown the haunting strains of Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” fill the Superdome. The sorrow continues after their brutal loss, and the Saints’ players walk out singing “Cat’s in the Cradle,” by Cat Stevens. They are super sad, you guys.

Eagles at Patriots

No Gronk? Sam Bradford’s back? None of this matters because the Patriots’ and their dark magic win again against a struggling Eagles team.

Colts at Steelers

Matt Hasselbeck wins his fifth straight as the Colts’ starting quarterback because being 40 is awesome and shut up. Ben Roethlisberger starts despite conflicting reports of his concussion status, with Mike Tomlin saying he still hasn’t fully recovered and Roethlisberger saying “I’m fine and ducks are overrated. Where are we?”

Cowboys at Redskins

It’s a close call between the devil’s team and the team with the racist name, but in the end the Redskins do defeat the Cowboys. The Cowboys, who interrupted their luxury cruise down the River Styx to play in D.C., are out of the running for a playoff spot but no matter, their strong leader Greg Hardy will feast on the souls of innocents and be ready for a knockout offseason.