NFL Shenanigans: Week 11 Non-Prediction Predictions

It’s week 11, and I’m already starting to mourn the end of the season. This week is exciting, though, with so many teams still in the playoff hunt (shhhhhh…not you, Dolphins.) So I’ll stop wasting time and look into my murky crystal ball to see all of the things that are not going to happen in this week’s NFL games.

Rams at Ravens

By all accounts, the Rams should lose this game, because they are playing a team with a losing record. But they don’t! No, a spunky Case Keenum leads the Rams to a win in front of a depressed and increasingly violent Ravens crowd. Says Keenum after the game, “What can I say, I beat them last year, I beat them this year, I am the king of Baltimore. Oh and hey, quick question: Sean Mannion hasn’t ever beaten the Bengals, has he? No? Excellent. Then the Keenum era shall extend to week 12.”

Redskins at Panthers

Of course, the Panthers beat the Redskins on Sunday. And Cam Newton tears down a whole bunch of banners, and dabs his way across the goal line for a rushing touchdown, and after the game he performs the Dino song, “That’s The Way (I Like It)” and dedicates it to Kirk Cousins, and oh my God the Panthers are going to the Super Bowl, aren’t they?

Broncos at Bears

Peyton Manning was reportedly not involved in game-planning the Bears. On Monday he just patted Brock Osweiler on the back, said, “Good luck, son! Forte and I are gonna get a beer and some delicious Papa John’s pizza that will be served to us on trays made of my money and balanced on tables made of my awards. But you and Langford have a good game.” The Broncos lose to the Bears. Forte and Manning are halfsies sorry and halfsies not sorry about it.

Cowboys at Dolphins

It’s a victorious return for Tony Romo when he and the Cowboys (but mostly him) defeat the Dolphins on Sunday. He also manages to get through the game without being sacked once after an inspirational pre-game speech with his offensive line, in which he said, “So help me God, if you a**holes let Suh step on my face I will sell each of you to the highest bidder.” The strong leadership of defensive end Greg Hardy also plays a part in the win, after he not only shows up to the game on time, but also tells all of his fellow linemen to go f**k themselves. What a leader.

Raiders at Lions

The poor, poor Lions are beaten again after a miraculous win over the Packers last week. When asked what he thought the Raiders did to beat them, offensive coordinator Jim Bob Cooter says, “Ooooooo I hate them no good bush-whackin’ lily-livered galoots! Also, we couldn’t force any turnovers or stop the run.” Meanwhile, Lions’ wideout Calvin Johnson was visibly frustrated on the sidelines, as he was having difficulty securing a moving van for the end of December.

Jets at Texans

In a shocker, the Texans will defeat the Jets. This, despite Darrelle Revis giving DeAndre Hopkins a good, hard Revis-ing. After the game, JJ Watt says, “Our goal was to make FitzMagic look like a Fitz-Stick. And I think we did that.” The local sports reporter interviewing him says, “Just one more question, JJ: Can you not?”

Colts at Falcons

The Great and Powerful Hasselbeck is not enough to give the Colts a win over the Falcons on Sunday. Despite giving the Falcons defense lots of Frank Gore, the Colts are unable to contain Julio Jones or Devonta Freeman. Andrew Luck spends the next week trying to convince trainers that all the blood in his urine just means he’s excited, and he can totally start the next game.

Buccaneers at Eagles

With a lot of major players injured, the Buccaneers/Eagles game turns into a “This Is Why You’re Not Starting” showdown. The Bucs manage to pull out a win thanks to receiver Mike Evans, while Eagles’ backup quarterback Mark Sanchez starts out hot but quickly loses steam. Because Sanchez gotta Sanchez.

Chiefs at Chargers

After the embarrassment of being flexed out of prime time, the Chiefs will defeat the Chargers in San Diego. Compounding the Chargers’ humiliation is the fact that LaDainian Tomlinson’s number gets retired at halftime, and when you’re down 37-2 at the end of the second quarter all this does is make everyone feel bad.

Packers at Vikings

The Packers have been looking mortal, which you would think would make it the perfect time for the Vikings to strike. Unfortunately for them, the Packers get their mojo back and defeat the Vikings this week. Says Aaron Rodgers later, “I had the most terrible dream, you guys. I dreamt we lost three in a row and that one of them was to the Lions. But then I woke up and now we’ll see you at NFC Championship.”

49ers at Seahawks

“Oh, thank Christ. We’ve been needing this game,” said Seahawks fans as they entered Centurylink Field on Sunday to watch their team take on the 49ers. And the Seahawks do defeat Blaine Gabbert and his team. Jim Tomsula’s go-to gametime face of shock and confusion is in full effect as his team gets shutout on Sunday.

Bengals at Cardinals

This matchup is everything we thought it would be when the Cardinals play the Bengals on Sunday. Throughout the game, Cardinals defenders mercilessly taunt Andy Dalton, saying things like, “Hey Andy, I hate the shirt you wore to the game,” and “Andy, if you threw a rock at the ground you’d miss.” An offended Dalton is unable to focus on the game, and the Bengals lose their second in a row.

Bills at Patriots

The Bills put up a good fight but end up beaten by the Patriots. There had been some concern for the Patriots after the loss of Julian Edelman, but this inventive team just picked up newly-released off the Chiefs practice squad DT Hebron Fangupo, spent the week teaching him how to be a receiver, and got an All Pro game out of him because that is what those bastards do.