NFL Shenanigans: Week 10 Non-Prediction Predictions
Any football analyst can tell you what’s probably going to happen in this weekend’s games, but it takes a special kind of idiot to predict what definitely won’t happen. I am that idiot, and here are my non-predictions.
Jaguars at Ravens
The Jags haven’t won on the road since 2013, but that streak finally ends on Sunday when they defeat the Ravens in Baltimore. Although one of their star receivers, Allen Hurns, ends up not playing due to a foot injury, the Jaguars luck out when tight end Julius Thomas’ identical twin brother (you can tell them apart by the mustache and glasses) shows up at the facility ready to play. In a move that was obviously meant to be, they add “Allen Thomas” to the roster and the new Allens lead the Jags to victory.
Browns at Steelers
A wounded and weak Ben Roethlisberger starts on Sunday despite protests from the team. “No, really,” he says, grimacing, “I can make it. I think if I am just brave, strong, and tough enough, I’ll be able to do it.” He does, and the Steelers win. At the end of the game Ben is again carted off the field, but he tells concerned reporters that that is just how he prefers to leave games now. “It’s convenient and surprisingly comfortable.”
Panthers at Titans
Cam Newton and the Panthers move to 9-0 on Sunday when they beat the Titans, who are not able to get a single sack due to repellant force of Newton’s supernatural confidence. Said defensive end DaQuan Jones, “I don’t know what happened. One time I got close to him and he winked at me, and it was like I lost all the power in my arms and legs. I was helpless.”
Bears at Rams
The Bears shock the Rams when they win at Edward Jones Dome. When asked what the secret was to their success, coach John Fox said, “Well, we knew they weren’t going to throw the ball a lot — every time they did, half of their own offense was on Wes Welker trying to keep him from the ball, saying, ‘It’s not worth it, man! You have kids!’ So we just focused on the run and made our stops.”
Cowboys at Buccaneers
Cowboys and Buccaneers: 2015’s most popular Halloween costumes, or the name of this week’s theme night at the strip club? No, it’s an NFL game that the Cowboys really needed to win but really won’t because I say so. The Cowboy’s social work department has been putting in a lot of overtime, lately, and it doesn’t get any better on Sunday because every time Greg Hardy pins Jameis Winston to the ground, women everywhere vomit.
Lions at Packers
After hearing Aaron Rodgers say that in the Packers’ history versus the Lions, “…things fell our way the last twenty times or so,” Lions’ offensive coordinator Jim Bob Cooter spit out his chew, broke the neck off a beer bottle, and said, “Them varmints is toast.” Except they aren’t and the Packers beat the Lions again for the twenty-first time or so.
Dolphins at Eagles
The Eagles add to the Dolphins’ descent by defeating them on Sunday. After the game, Dan Campbell retreats to his hotel room where he carefully unwraps a mug with the words, “World’s Best Coach” on it. As he holds it in his hands and gazes at it, a single tear falls. Somewhere in Ohio, Hue Jackson is stockpiling sunscreen.
Vikings at Raiders
Miraculously, despite being knocked out cold during a game on Sunday, the Vikings’ starting quarterback Teddy Bridgewater is cleared to play on Sunday against the Raiders. Said backup Shaun Hill, “He’s just a super fast healer, I guess. That’s what happens when you’re a super important player. No, I’m not being sarcastic.” In the end, a groggy Bridgewater is not enough to defeat the Raiders. The Vikings have not beaten the Raiders at The Black Hole since I was in college, which I believe makes it four or five years but math disagrees and says it’s about twenty. Too bad math is a lying whore.
Chiefs at Broncos
The Broncos get a tense, carefully played win over the Chiefs on Sunday. Coach Gary Kubiak, in his pre-game talk with the team, reviews the “no no” list, to which he adds eye-poking and leaving your shirt untucked…TJ. He is further frustrated however, when, during the second quarter, Demaryius Thomas gives Marcus Peters a world-class wedgie. “Honestly, I shouldn’t have to talk about these things, guys,” he says later. “Still…well-pulled, DT.”
Patriots at Giants
The Giants have beaten the Patriots the last three times they’ve played during the past seven years — this means nothing and continues to mean nothing on Sunday when the Patriots win. And so, the grudge match between veteran Giants’ long snapper Zak DeOssie and Patriots’ kicker Stephen Gostkowski continues.
Cardinals at Seahawks
The Cardinals will defeat the Seahawks at the Clink, leaving confused Seattle fans saying, “So…wait…so we’re not going to the Super Bowl this year? Sorry, you’re going to need to say that more slowly, I don’t understand. That’s a ‘no’ on the Super Bowl or a ‘no today isn’t the Super Bowl?’”
Texans at Bengals
Things to watch for in the Bengal win over the Texans: depression, swear words, hair, Clowney in sweats, hopelessness, despair, Skyline Chili, the death of JJ Watt infatuation, and loogies.
Meredith Bland is currently 3-216 with her predictions this season