NFL Shenanigans: Week 1 Predictions

“Are you ready for some football?” Dear God, y es. Yes, I am very ready for some football. It’s finally week one of the regular season. I have studied all the games and looked into my cloudy crystal ball to make some predictions for exactly how things are going to go down.

Mark my words, people, all or none of this will happen.

Steelers at Patriots

Tom Brady runs out of the tunnel screaming, “Let’s gooooooo!” and flips everyone the double bird. Jimmy Garoppolo is behind him, crying salty, handsome tears of regret. Many members of the Steelers offense, including quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, mysteriously come down with severe stomach flus and are unable to play. When asked for his thoughts on the illnesses, Patriots coach Bill Belichick says, “We’re on to head colds.”

Packers at Bears

The Packers, whose season looks less promising following the loss of Jordy Nelson, will still beat the tar out of the Bears. Jay Cutler will show his frustration by participating in an eye rolling ­contest with Roger Goodell, who will be attending this game to avoid being murdered in Foxborough. Who gives the least amount of general sh*ts? It’s gonna be a nailbiter.

Panthers at Jaguars

It’s the battle of the jungle cats. (Rawr.) The Panthers defense will try to keep them in the game, but ultimately the Jaguars will prevail. Blake Bortles will be so excited he will come up with his version of Cam Newton’s superman pose: a mimed telegraphic conversation between the superhero and a dolphin. Bortles will play both parts, and he will be magnificent.

Chiefs at Texans

No one can look at the Texans any more after they cut everyone’s favorite players from Hard Knocks. They end up dominating the game when the Chiefs’ front seven turn their back on the Texans’ offense, saying, “We just can’t even. Charles James? Really?” An online petition is started asking for a reality show called, “EZ Does it!” which would follow the former wide receiver as he sets out on new adventures. I will sign this petition.

Browns at Jets

The game takes a shocking turn after backup kicker Zac Stacy punches the beard off a starting quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick during warm­ups. A terrified Bryce Petty starts, but the game ends up getting called in the second quarter after three Browns players and four assistant coaches are arrested and taken off the field in cuffs for setting a fire at a retirement home. The argument that they were all drunk at the time does not help their case.

Ravens at Broncos

This game ends up being one none of us will ever forget, when Terrell Suggs sacks Peyton Manning by leaping into the air and aiming for his neck, knocking the 39­year­old quarterback out of the game. Says Suggs later, “Listen, if you want to throw a forward pass with your quarterback who’s had four neck surgeries, that’s on you.”

Titans at Buccaneers

The battle of the newbie QBs! What started as a question of who would impress us more in their regular season debut, the Mariota/Winston debate will instead center around who will walk out of the game with the most spectacular injury. Mariota will take a sack that will make his dog run from his home to the stadium in a fruitless attempt to protect his master. Meanwhile, Winston will be brutally hit on his recently injured ankle by, oddly enough, Terrell Suggs. “If you want to start your new quarterback in a game in Florida while I’m playing in a game that’s just a three­and­a­half hour flight away, that’s on you.”