NFL Shenanigans: Non-Prediction Predictions for Wildcard Weekend

It’s playoff time, everybody!! It’s the first weekend where our families ask, “But I thought football was over?” And we say, “Well, yeah, but now it’s the playoffs.” And they say, “But is your team even in the playoffs?” And we say, “WOULD YOU BACK OFF, PLEASE, BARBARA?!”

Here are the things I predict will not happen on wild card weekend.

Chiefs at Texans 4:35 ET ESPN

In a huge upset, the Texans will defeat the Chiefs in the weekend’s first game. The other AFC teams, relieved to be rid of the Chiefs, send Bill O’Brien “So Berry Thankful” fruit bouquets from Edible Arrangements and JJ Watt immediately gets to work on sack dances for the remaining AFC quarterbacks (spoiler: most of them involve hobbling around with an imaginary cane.)

Steelers at Bengals 8:15 ET CBS

Roses are red, violets are blue, and the Bengals will lose their wild card game. Says AJ McCarron afterward, “It was like there was some irresistible force pushing me to throw interceptions and drop the ball at the snap. Something bigger than me was at work here today.” Andy Dalton, who does not play, is devastated. He stumbles into the locker room, rips off his uniform, and proceeds to take a 45-minute Silkwood shower while sobbing, “It should have been me…Oh, God, it should have been me….” He is not made available to the media for comment.

Seahawks at Vikings 1:05 ET NBC

The Seahawks get a win over the Vikings in a close, cold game on Sunday. Running back Marshawn Lynch, whose body freezes into solid rock, destroys Vikings players who spend the first half trying to tackle him/it and the second half not so much.

Redskins at Packers 4:40 ET FOX

The D.C. Turd Biscuits make it to the playoffs and use this opportunity to defeat the beleaguered Packers. An excited Jay Gruden congratulates his team with a hearty, “Well done, men. The playoffs were nice, weren’t they? They sure were. I’ll see you for a walk-through on Friday at, oh, let’s say noon. Just one game left, guys! Try not to get hurt.” That evening, Aaron Rodgers calls Brandon Bostick over and over again, leaving messages that contain nothing but the sound of his slow, heavy breathing.

Cousins Gruden