NFL Shenanigans: Non-Prediction Predictions for Divisional Round

Four games, high stakes, great teams — it’s the divisional round, the first of two rounds left before the Super Bowl! I’m pretty sure I’m getting an ulcer from the stress! Huzzah! So what are some things that will maybe sort of happen this weekend? Let’s get into it.

Chiefs at Patriots

The “Red Hot Chiefs,” who will soon seek to distance themselves from this new, racist nickname, will come into Gillette Stadium and beat the pants off a depleted Patriots team. With Brady’s high ankle sprain and Gronk’s mysterious knee injections, the defending Super Bowl champs are unable to put enough points on the board to beat the Chiefs. The secret to the Chiefs’ success will be all the pressure they put on Tom Brady, because, as we all know, Tom Brady hates to be touched. He hasn’t hugged his parents in years. The fact that he has been able to have children is a source of mystery. Well, congrats to the Chiefs and sorry to the Patriots — it’s just not your year. But next year probably will be, what with your cheating and your dark magic.

Packers at Cardinals

Not many people expect the Packers to win this weekend, and they won’t, losing to the Cardinals in yet another blow out. Aaron Rodgers, however, is super chill about it. As he stated earlier in the week, all the pressure was on the Cardinals in this game because they were the heavy favorites, so Rodgers more or less shrugs his way through the second half. He starts all his play calls with, “Arizona jester! Arizona jester! Meh! Meh! Le sigh! Hut!” Go home, Green Bay. It’s been a season.

Seahawks at Panthers

In a game whose highlights will still be shown years from now, the Seahawks defeat the Panthers at home. Cam Newton, having not prepared a dance in the case of a loss, sits in the middle of the field alone, his body confused and his brain in denial. He has to be helped off the field with one arm trying desperately to dab and the other trying to throw a towel over his head. Meanwhile, the Seahawks are shocked and thrilled to find themselves going to another NFC championship game. Michael Bennett breaks the team down by saying, “Enjoy this now, because they aren’t going to be able to pay half the guys here next year. Hurray! Go team!”

Steelers at Broncos

The Broncos Nostalgia Bowl with Peyton Manning at the helm turns into a victory after the Steelers fall apart in a depressing, low-scoring game. Ben Roethlisberger starts, but breaks his pinky during the second quarter and is carted off (Big Ben doesn’t walk off fields, thank you very much.) He runs back onto the field ten minutes later and insists he can play through the pain, even though, as he tells sideline reporter Erin Andrews, he’s pretty sure he broke a couple of ribs as well. Peyton Manning is excited to play in what will likely be his last AFC championship game, and Brock Osweiler is screaming into pillows at home.