NFL Shenanigans: Non-Prediction Predictions for Conference Championships Weekend

We’re at championship weekend already, where the one and two seeds from the AFC and the NFC will battle it out to see who gets to go to Santa Clara and play in Super Bowl 50. From what I understand, this particular Super Bowl has some kind of great importance; it’s probably because 50 is the atomic number of tin, but that’s just a guess on my part.

So here we go with some implausible storylines for Sunday’s games that may just come to fruition.

New England Patriots at Denver Broncos 3:05 ET (CBS)

Peyton Manning and the Broncos are going to win this game, and I’ll tell you why: they’re going to win for everyone who loves an underdog, believes in justice, and cried for Susan Sarandon’s character in Stepmom. They’ll win for those of us in our late-thirties who are watching our bodies deteriorate, who occasionally wake up in the morning in pain because we got hurt while sleeping, and who will one day be replaced at work by a twenty-five-year-old. Yes, Peyton will win. And we will all give each other high-fives that barely connect because hey, no one needs to get hurt, here. Peyton is Every Man, and Every Man is battling to defeat human unicorn Tom Brady. He must succeed, and he will, and it will be glorious.

Arizona Cardinals at Carolina Panthers 6:40 ET (FOX)

The Panthers will beat the Cardinals because I want to see a Panthers-Broncos Super Bowl. Cam Newton, Jonathan Stewart, and Devin Funchess will run all over the Cardinals defense, and Kawann Short will sack the bejesus out of Carson Palmer. Palmer, who did his pre-game warm-up wearing nothing but an Arizona Cardinals beer koozie, does his post-game press conference on crutches after his knee, which bravely held up for the entire season, disintegrates in the locker room. It ends up being a good day for Larry Fitzgerald, however, who gets cut by the Cardinals only to be re-signed at halftime of the Super Bowl by whichever team is going to win because that man deserves a ring and I am in charge here.