NFL Shenanigans: Casting an NFL Afterschool Special

Preseason football is known for two things: first, terrible football; and second, the time when the twos and threes play terrible football. For backup quarterbacks, however, preseason is the time of year when they get to hit the field without someone having to get horribly injured, first. They must look forward to these few weeks all year long. It’s their Spring Break.

With that in mind, I decided to cast an afterschool special about the dangers of Spring Break (Peer pressure! Small clothing! Marshmallow ­flavored vodka!) with some of the NFL’s backup (or backup quality) quarterbacks.

TITLE:​ The Hottest P​re-​Weeks of the Year


Jimmy Garoppolo​ as the hot new foreign exchange student. (​“I am very good with, how you say, the balls.”)

Brock Osweiler ​as the fraternity brother who calls everyone, “nerd.” (​“Ha! Nerd.”)

Zach Mettenberger ​as the jealous middle brother.​ (“All I hear all day long at camp is how great Marcus is at this or how wonderful Marcus did that. Marcus Marcus Marcus!)

Ryan Mallet​ as the sleepy depressed Mathlete who just got dumped for fellow Mathlete Brian Hoyer. (“Of all the Mathletes, in all the towns, in all the world, I get dumped for that guy.”)

Tim Tebow ​as the President of Students For Christ who is going to let it all hang out on this Spring Break. (​“This was fun for a minute, but now I’d like to go home, please.”)

Michael Vick​ as the 5th ­year senior who’s ready to coast through one more year. (​“I’m not gonna lie, ­­ I totally didn’t study for midterms. Beer me.”)

Ryan Fitzpatrick​ as the exasperated dad who has to come bail out his son. (​“No! I don’t want to hear a word! You don’t get to talk anymore!”)

Johnny Manziel a​s the bad boy who’s trying to be good. (​“No thanks, man. I’m high on life and definitely not cocaine.”)


Charlie Whitehurst a​s the guy everyone buys drugs from. (​“Sup.”)

Drew Stanton and Scott Tolzien ​as the freshmen who are tired of being ignored. (​“I’ll slash Carson’s tires, you steal Aaron’s wallet. Those douchebags aren’t gonna make it back from Mexico this year.”)