Natalie Saar: If Only NFL Players Had Their Own Walk-Out Songs
Football beats baseball in every category but one: the walk-out song. In baseball, when a batter is walking up to the plate to hit, he gets to hear the song of his choice played throughout the stadium. Some batters have songs that are synonymous with their persona, like the toking Tim Lincecum and his “Electric Feel.”
Since NFL players don’t get to pick their songs, here are some suggestions if ever given the opportunity.
Michael Vick
Vick has had a rough start to the NFL season (minus that $100 million contract, of course). After being diagnosed with a broken hand in Week 3 (it wasn’t actually broken), Vick aired out his grievances during the post-game press conference. While everyone was impressed with his new found vernacular, his whining about why refs didn’t help protect him as much as other quarterbacks was not as well received. Because of that, Vick’s walkout song should be “What is Love” by Haddaway, the 90’s mega club hit. Here’s the exact snippet that would be played:
“What is love,
Baby don’t me,
Don’t hurt me
No more.
Baby don’t hurt me,
Don’t hurt me
No more.
What is love?!
I don’t know why you’re not there
I give you my love but you don’t care.
What is right and what is wrong,
Give me a sign,
What is love?!”
Plaxico Burress
Songs like “Locked Up” by Akon are too obvious for Plax. The jailbird needed something a bit more apt. It’s not every day an NFL superstar, or any human being for that matter, shoots themselves in the leg with their own concealed weapon in a club. Therefore, only a song by Weezy and Baby (Lil’ Wayne and Birdman for those of you not hip with the gun-toting crowd) would work to describe his, er, Plaxident. Here’s the chorus from “Always Strapped” by Birdman and Lil Wayne.
“Always Strapped when I hit the club
N***** give me dap, b****** give me hugs
& since I’m paid, n***** be muggin’ me, you know I’m muggin’ back
N***** be muggin’ me, you know I’m…
Always Strapped when I hit the club
N***** give me dap, b****** give me hugs
& since I’m paid, b***** be lovin’ me, they know I love ’em back
B****** be lovin’ me, they know I love ’em back.”
Troy Polamalu and Clay Matthews
These two men have some of the most lustrous locks on the field (and this includes any games where Gisele Bundchen may be present). Even shampoo companies have taken notice and thrown big bucks their way. With hair like that, there’s only one song that defines them: “Whip My Hair” by Willow
“Don’t let haters get me off my grind
Whip my hair, if I know I’ll be fine
Keep fighting until I get there
When I’m down and I feel like giving up
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth”
The Cincinnati Bengals
It’s impossible to pick just one player from this team who deserves their own walk-out song, and it’s clear that when it comes to getting arrested, it’s a franchise problem. Here’s a quick rap sheet rundown since 2005:
Jerome Simpson and Anthony Collis – A marijuana package from California was tracked to the home of Simpson. Legal charges are pending
Chris Henry (R.I.P.) Arrested five different times while on the team. Caused Roger Goodell to bring down the hammer on the league.
Adam “Pacman” Jones – Arrested for disorderly conduct, a mere misdemeanor.
Cedric Benson – Charged on two counts of assault in Texas, spent five days of the preseason in jail.
Johnathon Joseph – Charged with marijuana possession.
Deltha O’Neal and Odell Thurman – DWI (driving while intoxicated)
Eric Steinbach – BUI (boating under the influence)
Reggie McNeal and Matthias Askew – Arrested after resisting arrest.
Frostee Rucker – Charged with spousal battery
A. J. Nicholson – Burglary and grand theft auto (can someone get this man a pay check?!)
For these reasons, Garth Brooks’s “I Got Friends in Low Places” is the only fitting song
“’Cause I got friends in low places,
Where the Whiskey drowns,
And the Beer chases my blues away,
But I’ll be okay,
Now I’m not big on social graces,
Think I’ll slip on down to the oasis,
Oh I got friends,
In low places.
I guess I was wrong I just don’t belong
but then I’ve been there before, everything’s alright
I’ll just say goodnight and I’ll show myself to the door
Hey I didn’t mean to cause a big scene just wait ’til I finish this glass
Then, sweet little lady I’ll head back to the bar and you can kiss my ass”
What the hell is Kris Allen doing playing a wedding?
Ray Lewis
This one is fairly obvious once you hear it. Can you think of anyone else scarier and more intense than Lewis in beast mode? Clearly, “Bodies” by Drowning Pool is the only acceptable walk-up song for this legend.
“Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the flooooor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the flooooor
Now!
Push me again
This is the end
Here we go!”
Matt Leinart
The So-Cal golden boy came into the league with so much promise, and has been a bit of a flop. Little technical issues (like his slow release) have kept him from really flourishing in the league. A rapper by the name of Skee-Lo had a similar problem and told the world about it in the song “I Wish.”
“I wish I was a little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller,
I wish I had a girl who looked good and I’d call her.”
Chad Ochocinco
During the lockout, Ocho spent his days trying out for MLS, riding bulls, driving regular-people cars, bike riding, and filming himself at a sperm bank for national television. Even under the stern and unamused eye of Bill Belichick, Ocho is still doing everything in his power to stay relevant during the football season. As soon as he arrived in New England, he announced that he would be staying in the home of some “lucky” fan. For this reason, only a musician of Kanye West’s ilk could make a walk-out song that is Ocho-approved, “Flashing Lights.”
“As you recall, you know I love to show off
But you never thought that I would take it this far
What do you know? Flashing lights, lights
What do you know? Flashing lights, lights”
Reggie Bush
At this point no one is sure if Bush is more famous for his football skills, NCAA scandal or for dating/cheating on/dumping Kim Kardashian. One thing is for sure though, Reggie and Sir Mix-A-Lot have a lot in common, making the only logical song “Baby Got Back.”
“I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull up tough
‘Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she’s wearing
I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit’cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes
Ooh, Rump-o’-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
‘Cause you ain’t that average groupy.”
Rob Gronkowski
In case you missed it, Gronkowski made the most of Belichick not being able to lord over him during the lockout and let loose at several pool parties across America. After watching this video you’ll agree that LMFAO has made the best Gronkowski walk-out song “Sexy and I Know It.”
“Girl look at that body
I work out
Girl look at that body
I work out
When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got a passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it
I’m sexy and I know it”
Natalie Saar is a freelance writer living in Hollywood, CA. She’s the daughter of a former offensive linemen and a fan of the Silver and Black. You can follow her on Twitter @NatalieSaar and read her other works at nataliesaar.com and raidersblog.com
