Very Cavallari, Episode 3: Jay Cutler Goes ‘Hipster Country’

As a sportswriter who covers all corners of the NFL, including protests against societal inequality and the league’s domestic violence issues, I am often the recipient of that tired, predictable phrase: “stick to sports.” Not only is “stick to sports” archaic it makes zero sense in today’s NFL because the cavalcade of non-X’s and O’s issues are deeply intertwined with the sport itself.

However that rebuff hardly applies to Very Cavallari where three episodes one thing is abundantly clear – the show needs to STICK TO JAY.  Every scene without him is like a Bears fan reliving the 2010 NFC Championship game. Absolute hell.

Take, Phoebe, one of Cavallari’s many vapid employees dissecting herself as perceptive about an even more vapid employee, villainous redhead Shannon: “I may not be book smart or common sense smart but I am street smart.” Um, newsflash, Phoebe common sense smart and street smart are basically conjoined twins. Are there really not more qualified people in Nashville? So much time spent on these randoms and their relationships and some eye candy guy who works in the store solely to provide eye candy to Very Cavallari’s female viewers. Cutler may not be shirtless, sweat dripping from his bulging biceps, but he does provide some much needed mental candy.

Kristin herself called Jay the breakout star of the show.  “He’s had this image, playing football and everything and now it’s nice for people to see the real side of Jay. He’s very funny,” Cavallari said last week to E!. Unfortunately the producers didn’t seem to get the message.

Jay’s screentime was again perplexingly limited with the majority of it focused on convincing Kristen to move from Nashville to a country home 45 minutes away.  “Keep an open mind,” he says before they trek to see the house.  “Maybe you’ll walk in and think ‘this feels right.’ What if there are goats already? “ The goats refer to Kristin playing a bizarre practical joke on her lawn-obsessed husband. She has a landscaper show up at their house with a bunch of goats to defecate on their lawn because apparently it makes the best fertilizer. Who knew we’d get a little side of science with our Very Cavallari!

Back to the house hunting, Cavallari instantly loved it. Perhaps it was the nesting boxes where hens would lay fresh eggs every morning (“chores for the kids!”). But it was probably Cutler’s hat, which was the star of his self-proclaimed “hipster-country look.”

This entire scene punctuated one of life’s great realities: Stars – They’re So Not Like Us.

First off, Jay waltzed into the farmhouse unaccompanied because the seller’s agent just gave him the key. If there’s ever been a person who can be counted on not to lose the valuable thing in his hand, it’s Jay Cutler.

Jay mentions something about the public schools being decent which was a booming reminder that these people have actual children, at least one of whom is at a preexisting school. Apparently the kids will have to uproot their lives  and make new friends because Jay needs some damn goats around!

Kristin mentioned it being a busy time since she is opening Uncommon James (the ridiculous premise for this entire show), but there was next to no chatter about how moving is the world’s greatest torture, and expensive to boot. I am preemptively stressed for them, though I shouldn’t be.  Guess you just hire people for everything when your bank account has enough zeroes.  She said yes. No fan fare. They’re moving. How exciting.

The only other notable Cutler scene was when he refused to join Kristin at the housewarming party of hot male employee guy. She didn’t push it, she knows what she signed up for.

But Jay, clearly the brains of the show, made a salient point about the sole motivation for hosting a housewarming party in the first place.

“The only reason I would have a housewarming party is so people could bring me a lot of booze.”

With the burst of brilliance I must make a little announcement. It’s been an absolute pleasure to recap Jay Cutler’s bouts of snark, lack of ambition, and robust hat collection. I truly have a newfound appreciation for the guy and we already have more updates on his post-NFL life than we could have possibly imagined. But for the sake of covering actual NFL news, and to save a few of my remaining brain cells, this will be my last Very Cavallari recap. I made it three episodes, go pick out a bottle of wine for me, Jay because according the your wife, you’re also a wine expert and maybe the next most interesting man in the world. Or least interesting, depending on your definition.