‘Hard Knocks’ with the Dolphins, Episode 3: The Least Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever!
Coming off of last week’s epic “Hard Knocks” episode, featuring the gut-wrenching release of Chad Johnson, I knew we were in for a let down. But I didn’t think it was going to be this bad. Turns out that with Johnson gone, there’s absolutely nothing compelling about this team. So what we were left with this week was a hodgepodge of crap, culminating with what has to the least dramatic conclusion to a QB controversy in the history of the NFL.
I can’t even fashion a coherent summary of this week’s snoozefest, so here’s a series of random bullets, much like the episode’s disjointed plotlines:
— Reggie Bush, Jake Long, and Karlos Dansby have formed a “leadership council” in the hopes of avoiding future Chad Johnson incidents. They’ve also instituted a strict “no receipt” policy for all convenience store purchases. BTW, this is literally the first screen time we’ve gotten for Jake Long. You know, the Dolphins’ best player?
— Jim Turner, Dolphins offensive line coach, is the only thing this series has going in the charisma department, consistently delivering great lines in a thick New York accent. And he also seems to be great coach. He worked underachieving RT John Jerry so hard that he threw up in practice! But it paid off in the actual game, as Jerry dominated the Panthers. It will be interesting to see if Jerry can overtake current starter, Jonathan Martin, at the position.
— Joe Philbin, on the other hand, fluctuates on the entertainment scale between “watching paint dry” and “hmm….that’s mildly amusing.” He’s also apparently has OCD, and will not stand for a messy locker room! Leadership Council, you’re on notice.
— The Dolphins really have no receivers. You know who they should try to trade for? Brandon Marshall.
— No Lauren Tannehill this week, but we were treated to another “as ushe” in the Les Brown household (this time from the girlfriend). Can we please cut this guy next week, so this couple can join the cast of The Hills (that show’s still on right?)
— In contrast to last week’s Johnson release, the selection of Ryan Tannehill over Matt Moore as the Dolphins’ starting QB has to go down as the Least Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever! Matt Moore offered a heartfelt “meh” to the news and then went off to jam some Rusted Root in his garage. And Ryan Tannehill displayed all the enthusiasm of McKayla Maroney ordering a hot fudge sundae from Dairy Queen but getting home and realizing they forgot the nuts (he was not impressed). Good luck with the upcoming season, Miami
Hakuna Matata, Ryan