Positively Gruden, Washington vs. Kansas City: Love Thy Brother (And Alex Smith)

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where we chronicle the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach. This week’s Chiefs-Redskins clash was the epitome of quantity over quality. As it was a legitimately good game between two likely playoff contenders, there weren’t any particular Grudenisms that stood out from the rest. But what the game lacked in signature moments, it more than made up for in quantity, yielding a TFG record 31 total Grudenisms in the contest. Also, the coach maintained his unbroken streak of providing us with a soliloquy about Andy Reid offensive scheming. Did you know he has a lot of plays? Well, you certainly did if you’ve ever watched a Monday Night Football game. Throw in a Jim Tomsula twofer, an impressive run on Alex Smith, and love for the bodies of each team’s tight ends, and you have yourself a pretty good night.

As always, top Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.

31.  “I love my brother, I’m proud of him. I’m an emotional wreck, but I’m really excited to be in Arrowhead in this atmosphere. I’ve had some of my best football memories here.”

30.  On the Redskins offense, “They feature their best players. And their best players happen to be offensive lineman. This left tackle is something. I guarantee you the old Hogs under Joe Gibbs are tipping their hat to this Hogs 2.0 offense.”

29.  “I try to not bother people. I’m good at bothering people, McDonough.”

28.  On Kareem Hunt, “He has the combination that the great backs have. Power, speed, elusiveness, and he’s got great versatility.”

27.  More Hunt,“Very smart for a young back…The Toledo Rocket, rocking the NFL.”

26.  “Kareem Hunt has elite vision.” (Little known fact, his optometrist is Joe Flacco’s uncle.)

25.  With a rare understatement, “Tyreek Hill, number 10, is really fast.”

24.  On Samaje Perine, “If you’re looking for a strong back that has running instincts, this is your guy. This is a POWERFUL young halfback.”

23.  On De’Anthony Thomas, “one of the best special teamers you’ll see when it comes to coverage.”

22.  On Trent Williams, “He’s the best athlete on this team.”

21.  On Terrence Mitchell, “He will not back down from anyone, mental toughness is his greatest strength. He welcomes any challenges.”

20.  On the Redskins, “I’ve never seen so many injuries on a defense like I’ve seen tonight.”

19.  On Josh Norman, “He can play man, he can play zone, he can play any coverage you want.”

18.  “This Mason Foster is one tough guy.”

17.  “DJ Swearinger came in here as a leader of this team. He’s been selling chemistry and togetherness, and his teammates have bought in.”

16.  “Nobody really does it better than [Dave] Toub.”

15.  “I love the defensive line coach they have in Jim Tomsula.”

14.  Later, “there’s Jim Tomsula, one of the best defensive line coaches in the league.”

13.  “If you had any idea the language that Andy Reid has in his offense. It’s amazing.”

12.  More Reid praise, “There’s a lot of bells and whistles, window dressing, eye candy, call it whatever you want.” (How about plays?)

11.  “That sideline sheet continues to grow. There are hundreds of plays. I wish I could show you a picture of his office what he has on his grease board. Shifts, motions, contingency plans, you name it.”

10.  On Patrick Mahomes (who didn’t play), “Kareem Hunt perhaps the most exciting rookie in foootball, but I don’t think you’ve met the most exciting young Kansas City Chief yet…This kid is a legitimate young gunslinger.  I’m envious of Andy Reid.”

9.  On Alex (Khaled) Smith, “All he does is win.”

8.  “You can’t throw the ball any better than Alex Smith just did.”

7.  “Those are things that don’t show up in the stat sheet, but Alex Smith has a very good hard count.”

6.  More Smith love, “the best thing he does is make something out of nothing.”

5.  “Alex Smith directing all this traffic, it’s incredible.”

4.  And finally, “one of the things I love about Alex Smith is his ball handling.”

3.  On Vernon Davis, “He has the body that looks like he can go another five years.”

2.  On Travis Kelce, “They love his athleticism and body type in these tight quarters.”

1.  After Robb Butker’s game winning field goal, “There’s your Gruden grinder tonight.” (Yes, winning the game is secondary to this coveted distinction.)