Very Cavallari, Episode 2: Jay Cutler ‘Has No Game’

About 8.5 minutes into the second episode of Very Cavallari, I had two clear realizations: 1) Whoever thought Very Cavallari was interesting enough to fill an hour needs a reassignment. 2) Whoever invented the DVR is manna from heaven.

To those of you who watched live, my condolences on having commercial breaks to contemplate how many brain cells you lost each segment. Luckily Jay Cutler was featured enough for a sliver of salvation. Before I get to the Cutler highlights and revelations (and there were plenty), I need to share a quick theory from my husband.

A natural skeptic, my husband is convinced that Cutler is one of our generation’s great actors and all (or at least most) of the mopeyness is just for show. At the least the reality show version. Categorizing Cutler has become its own social media sport: the majority assume his “don’t give a shit” attitude is the default. But consider a now infamous scene from last week. Cutler and Cavallari are in the midst of an intimate dinner when she asks about his professional prospects. His hilarious response: “I’m not really looking to do a lot of work right now. I’m looking to the exact opposite of that.” How is that a thing an even remotely normal person could utter with a straight face with cameras two feet away?

Last week there was a lot of smirk in his eyes, the kind when you’re trying to deliver dramatic lines without bursting into laughter. This week Cutler asked a lot of questions, as if he had been instructed to foster interesting conversation because it sure as hell wasn’t coming from elsewhere. Moreover, if Cutler was really that dour and unambitious why would a reality star with a vibrant personality choose him?  No, it doesn’t explain Cutler’s NFL persona which was far from bubbly but after two weeks of the fake magnifying lens into Cutler’s personal life, I’m also convinced that large chunk of his perceived personality is concocted. Just like the vapid redhead social media manager, Cutler is a playing a role. His just happens to be a gazillion times more interesting, which is why he was featured in about 90% of “Previously on Very Cavallari” Here’s what Jay was up to in Episode 2:

–  He got a hair cut!

– He is still obsessed with the deer cam and named his deer of choice “Dale.”

– Cutler is forced to defend the fish in his fish tank. “Those fish are thriving,” he tells Cavallari who doesn’t even notice that his original five fish “expired” until he tells her. Fishy.

– He has a best friend named Chuy who recently announced that he was gay. Of course Cutler, exhibiting the utmost support and sensitivity, nonchalantly asks Chuy, “So, did you hit up any gay bars this weekend?”

– Cavallari finds Cutler in their library reading a book. For some reason the E! producers decided his book of choice was irrelevant. I strongly disagree and with the help of the slo-mo feature on my heavenly DVR discovered it was: Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman who won to the Nobel Prize for Economics in 2002.

– Cutler wants move to a new country house outside of Nashville. This conversation opens the episode. Cavallari strongly disagrees but shockingly the topic is not revisited this week. (Spoiler alert: He wins.)

– Back to the scene with Chuy, Cavallari (jokingly, I think) declares that she’s too good for Cutler. “Jay’s got no game. I have no idea how he got me.”