A Recap and Best Quotes From the 10/28 Episode of ‘The League’: Ghost Monkey

The Wise Guy is back with a run down of Episode 7 from Season 2 of ‘The League.’  This episode, titled “Ghost Monkey,” involves the classic combination of (adult) Halloween, witchcraft, and, of course, crazed undead monkeys.  It also introduces an interesting fantasy concept, whether the power to choose your opponent’s starting line-up is a slippery slope to dementia (spoiler alert, it is).  As always, the below features real quotes from real fictional characters.

Kevin, responding to Jenny’s idea of giving raisins to trick-or-treaters, “Fruit? No.  We need Butterfingers up in this bitch.  Give me a variety pack!”

Kevin, on what he thinks is Jenny’s planned girl scout outfit for Halloween, “Oh, I like that.  Super sexy, with a pair of fishnets and some Mary Janes.  I just want to rip that thing right off you.  Does it rip off? I just want to ravage you.”

Kevin, digusted to learn that it was actually a real girl scout outfit for his daughter,  “It’s ruined, it’s over.  How am I gonna delete this from my yank bank?”

Taco, pleading with Kevin to let him eat goat poop at the petting zoo, “But it looks like a meatball.”

Kevin, jealous of Ruxon, “You are so lucky.  You have a son, and you only have to worry about one dick.  When you have a daughter, you have to worry about everyone’s dick.  There’s so many dicks around.”

Andre, learning that Pete got the “digits” of a girl at the petting zoo dressed up as a sexy witch for Halloween, “Ride her broomstick, right?”

Andre, responding to Pete’s criticism of his music in the car, “Guys, it’s Pandora, it picks itself.” Pete, “Pandora is actually cool, what could you have possibly put into it to make that come out of it?”  Andre, “Ke$ha.”

Andre, freaked that Taco stole a monkey from the petting zoo that’s now in the car, “monkeys do not like me.”  Pete, “no, it’s the music.  He’s rebelling against the music.” Taco, “Savage Garden?”

Pete, after Taco throws the crazed monkey out of the car window, “you didn’t kill it.  Monkeys land their feet.  They’re like masturbating cats.”  Taco, “no, we killed it.  It’s gonna haunt us forever.”

Andre, “you know what, let’s calm down and groove out.”

Ruxon, reveling in Pete’s offer to let Ruxon pick his fantasy line-up, “Oh Pete, I’m gonna tear into your line up.  I feel like Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes….without the lesbian stuff.”

Ruxon, becoming unsure of himself, “The answer’s in here.  And I’m gonna sniff it out.  The hound dog’s on the prowl.”

Jenny, on Kevin’s idea of an adult Halloween, involving booze (of course), “I think this sounds awesome.  And I’m thinking costume-wise, I’m gonna whore it up.”  Kevin, “Can I make a suggestion? Filthy Vietnamese prostitute. Now, I’m not talking about one you get on the pier, I’m talking about one where you gotta go down an alley and negotiate with a guy with no teeth.” Jenny, “I think that’s too much.”  Kevin, “I’m just spit balling.”

Jenny, dejected to learn that Elie, her daughter, is keeping mom to her commitment to be a “big-puffy-fat-old-frog, “what do you think daddy should wear?” Elie, “I don’t care what daddy wears.”  Kevin, “that’s my little girl, that’s why I love you.”

Andre, persisting that he’ll find a date for the adult Halloween party, “October’s my month.  I’m like the Reggie Jackson of hook ups in October.” Kevin, “you’re Mrs. October?”

Andre, defending his use of statistics to measure his hook up success, “it’s not creepy, it’s an app. It costs a buck.  You know, this move gets this much percentage, this move gets this much percentage.”

Kevin, criticizing Andre’s “poor girl” move in which he will comfort/grope a sad girl, “that’s like a slow, creepy rufinol coming around your shoulder.” Andre, “that’s my ace in the hole.  I have a six percent success rate with that.”

Taco, freaked about the monkey, “guys we don’t know what we’re dealing with here.  It’s like that movie, I Know What You Did Last Summer.  But instead of a guy with a hook, we have a young monkey with a shared hatred for Andre’s taste in music.” Andre, “guys, it’s not my fault.” Taco, “you told me your favorite singer was Will Smith, so yes, it is your fault.”

Ruxon, after seeing a girl fall for Andre’s patented “poor girl” move, uncertainly, to Pete, “that girl is making a bigger mistake than playing Percy Harvin…..right?”

Ruxon, after Kevin screamed when he suddenly showed up in Pete’s backyard at night, maniaclly, “who’d you think it was, the monkey?” Kevin, “Ruxon, we’re about one step away from fantasy Saw.  You’re gonna cut your own leg off soon and nobody wants that.”

Kevin, explaning his costume, “just a little gladiator.” Andre, “awwww, I thought you were like a fat Russell Crowe.”

Elie, to Andre’s date, Lany, “is that a Brownie uniform?” Lany, “like a half of one…that unzips.”

Taco, to the Pete’s date who actually is a real witch, “do you know anything about monkey curses?” “A bit, yeah.” Andre, to Pete after she walks away with Taco, “she knows a bit about monkey curses? A bit? Didn’t get the whole diploma in monkey curses, just minored in it.”

Taco, explaning how the monkey “crossed over” into the spiritual world, “I took him from the petting zoo, and I knowingly brought him into the Armageddon that was….Andre’s car.”  Pete, “don’t put it on yourself.  I really think it was the Gin Blossoms.”

Ruxon, crazed because he beat himself by playing Pierre Thomas, “Monkey? Monkey Pete? Who you working for, monkey? Pete and the monkey! I’ll show you guys!” (smashes up house with golf club)

The witch, finally connecting with the monkey (apparently named “potato”), “his spirit is very restless; there’s a terrible noise.” Taco, “Oh no, is it Savage Garden, Five for Fighting, Boys 2 Men? Please tell me it’s not Boys 2 Men.”  Taco then breaks into a song (with guitar) to easy the Monkey’s pain.

Witch, “the monkey is not satisfied with your apology.  The monkey demands a sacrifice.”

After a cameo from Mr. McGibblets, Kevin’s nemesis from season 1, Kevin, “Hey, McGibblets! you want some, bitch?”

Andre, complimenting Ruxon on his “costume,” a lovely argyle sweater/button-down shirt combo, “And I love yours.  Did you dress up as a WASP?”

Kevin, in resonse to Andre’s music to get the adult Halloween party started, “this is awful.  This sounds like Pet Shop Boys raping Erasure.”  Andre, “bang the beat!”

Jenny, banging the beat in her big-fat-frog outfit, “I’m getting my sexy on.”  Andre, “make sure she doesn’t bite her tongue.”

Ruxon, after the ghost (or alive) monkey suddenly appears, chases everyone back to the house, catches Jenny before she makes it, and begins to hump her frog head, “Your wife says to watch.” Kevin, “she wore an outfit that made it irresitible.’  Ruxon, “work the back of her head. . . . when was the last time Jenny let you do that to her?”

The witch, “the monkey has accepted the sacrifice. Happy adult Sauern.”

Kevin, after Jenny is, um, all tore up from the Monkey, “what happened to your pants.”  Jenny, “the monkey took off with them.”

Kevin, “I want to finish what that monkey started.” Jenny, “I have been humped enough tonight.”  Kevin, “I know I know. (put his arm around her).  You poor, poor girl.”

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