A Recap and Best Quotes From the 10/21 Episode of ‘The League’: The Anniversary Party

The Wise Guy offers his sincerest apologies for missing last week’s The League recap.  Please know, however, that this hurt me more than it hurt you, seriously.  As punishment, the The Football Girl made me watch an entire episode of the T.Ocho show on Versus.  Trust me, you do NOT want to read a recap of that show.

This week’s episode centers on Ruxon’s persistent belief that Taco is an evil genius, Andre’s relationship chameleonism, and a surprise return of Pete’s ex-wife, Meegan, who divorced him in the series’ very first episode because Pete was unwilling to give up The League.  Very clever plot twists in this one, and unfortunately the quotes below don’t do it justice.  But here are the best ones anyways:

Sofia, after Taco coerces Ruxon into “surprising” her with a 5 year anniversary party, “It’s like another wedding?” Taco, Yeah, “except slightly more expensive.”

Ruxon, with the guys at the sandwich shop, “We’re playing this week, he’s trying to get in my head.  He’s very cunning, that Taco.”

Ruxon, on why he’s not eating, look at this shit shack. I wouldn’t eat anything here.  You guys all have gutter pallets.  I have a refined, educate palette.  That’s why I’ll be going to the gastropub down the block.”

Kevin, discussing Ruxon’s refined palette and Andre’s newfound techie-ism, “I don’t know what’s worse, edamame foam or that bedazzled bluetooth you have in your ear.”

Kevin, “you’re like gay iron man.” Andre, “I think you mean gay Tony Stark.  Read your comics, bro.”

Andrew, defending his new girlfriend, who will be his “plus one” at Ruxon’s party, “she’s not a rando girl, she likes me, she’s super techie, she’s very cool.”

Pete, putting two and two together, “Cmon, you’re a boyfriend chameleon.  You’re so desperate for shared interests that you just adopt the hobbies of the person you’re dating.”

Kevin, upon learning that Pete’s ex-wife Meegan will be bringing a date to the party, “you don’t want her to be happy. You’re being selfishly selfless.”  Mark, “I prefer the term altruisticly self-serving.”

Ruxon, complimenting Taco’s outfit at the party, “and you look lik a Russian figure skater.”

Ruxon, “why are you exciting an ice cream sandwich?” Pete, “when’s the last time you’ve seen an ice cream truck.  I had to go for it.”

Ruxon, in response to Pete’s ingenious idea, the bathroom cubby to store your food and other valuables before going into the bathroom, “this is brilliant.  I don’t even chew gum in the bathroom because I end up chewing what I smell in there.”

Pete, after Meegan’s classy new boyfriend, Ted, leaves the two alone for closure, “thanks for being above board and totally awesome, Ted.”

Pete, after Andre walks in with his date in one hand and a video phone in the other, “why are you filming us?” Andre, “It’s for my vlog.” Jenny, “blog?” Andre, “no it’s a video blog. vlog.”

Andre’s girlfriend, revealing that she’s an internet stalker, “And you Kevin, how many times do I have to poke you before, you accept my friend request?” Kevin, “I don’t even know who you are.”

. . . continuing, “and Sofia! (whispering) by the way I love the nose job.  It’s perky cute, and doesn’t rob you of your ethnicity.”

Andre, shocked that nobody likes his girlfriend, “ok guys, just chill out.  She just googled you guys.”  Kevin, “No, she googled too deep.  She’s a deep googler.  She’s on page 5 shit, man.”

Kevin, interrupting Ruxon’s speech to Sofia to toast Jenny, “love is a symphony.  Love is a partnership. [Kevin chokes up, Jenny melts].”

Kevin, upon hearing that Ted plays actual football, “Like Favre in those Wrangler ads?” Ted,  “It’s nice to be able to stick somebody once in awhile.”

Ruxon, overhearing his buddies are doing shots, “Hey guys, doesn’t need to be top shelf.” Andre, “Oh don’t worry, we’re not driving.  Taco got us all cars.”

Meegan, telling Jenny about her “amazing” sex life, “a thity year old sloth is much less useful to me than a 60 year old finely tuned machine.”

Ruxon, “your rando plus one just tweeted about my anniversary.” Andre, “that’s so great, did she use the hash tag great event?”

Ruxon, after Taco slyly takes his phone right before he could change his line-up, “I don’t know what kind of coackamamy bullshit you’re pulling here, but I’m on to you.  No one thinks you have anything running around in your head, but I know all about your little plan.”

Ruxon, after hearing Taco’s real plan, to finally unveil the Ruxon alternate wedding video (five years late), “we already have a wedding video.” Taco, “yes, but I was shooting behind the scenes footage with my own camera without any of you knowing.  I wanted to capture the thing Cinema Paridiso.”

Kevin, complimenting Andre the chameleon on his super-fly suit to compliment his black girlfriend,  “you look great, Dr. Huxtible.”

Ruxon, with cold feet, “What is it with catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here?” [Sofia glares]

Kevin, counseling Ruxon, “your vows are the easy part.  This is what you do: love is a . . . any noun you want.  And on the third one you can’t get it out.”  [Jenny glares]

Meegan, “is it terrible that I want to fuck your brains out in this church, now?  I’m so horny for you, I want to fuck you in the coat room so badly.” Andre, after they leave, “I guess they left their coat in the coat room, that’s all I heard.” [Ted looks sick]

Back to real time . . .

Ruxon, re Taco, “he’s a sly fox.” Andre, “no, he’s not a sly fox.  He’s at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.”

Taco, after he catches the 5-year old wedding cake that was already accidentally dropped on the bathroom floor when Ruxon was trying to change his fantasy line-up with Andre’s iPod that was left in the bathroom cubby, “it’s weird that I caught that.  Usually my reflexes as so terrible.  OK, everyone, since Ruxon organized, planned, and paid for this entire event, you get the first bite.”  Ruxon, “you evil genius.”

[Ruxon painfully eats the cake while the guys cheer “gutter pallet”]

Pete, during the Jewish chair dance that Meegan forced Ted to participate in to “hang” with Pete,  “Ted’s not hangin.”

After Ted crumbles, causing Sofia and Ruxon to fall too, Pete: “hey Ted, really great hanging with you, buddy.  You might want to call 911.”  Andre, “hash tag, hard fall.”

And that’s it.  Second best dance scene/music of the season.  A very distant second.