Positively Gruden, Week 11: Bears v. 49ers: We Will Rock You
As many readers of this website know, I am both: (a) an avid Bears fan; and (b) a huge Jay Cutler apologist. So, given last night’s debacle at the hands of the clearly much superior 49ers (seriously, is their O-Line made of former superheroes?), I can at least take solace in the fact that the Bears clearly win this game if they would have had their physical, emotional, and, let’s face it, spiritual leader under center. But, alas, it was the lowly Jason Campbell, who not only managed to suck at QB, but also possessed an uncanny ability to make the Bears defense perform like an 8th Grade Pop Warner team. So much for that bad Cutler body language.
Meanwhile, Colin Kaepernick is clearly an unholy combination of Randall Cunningham, Tim Tebow, Tom Brady, Roger Staubach, and Ivan Drago. And the 49ers Defense and O-Line….well, we are knew how dominant they were. Not surprisingly, my list of Grudenisms turned out a wee bit 49ers heavy.
As always, Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
“Bears…49ers…the RIVALRY…These two teams hate each others guys, I can tell.” (They play every four years and haven’t played in the playoffs since 1989)
“When you watch the 49ers on offense, you’re gonna see a SINISTER MINDSET.”
“I’ve never seen acts of dominance like this, Mike. That’s how Reggie White used to do it in his prime. Who is Aldon Smith?”
On Kaepernick, “He’s wildly athletic. He reminds me of a young Randall Cunningham. He can go get it, man!”
On Aldon Smith, “He didn’t even play in their base defense last year. He is a UNIQUE FREAK.”
“This mobility of Colin Kaepernick is making sportswriters across the country try to describe it.”
“If you’re a defensive coach at any level of football, get on a plane, come out here and watch the 49ers practice. It’s amazing. The precision, and the execution. And they never come off the field.”
An anti-Grudenism on the Bears O-Line, “This isn’t fair to Jason Campbell, this isn’t fair to anybody playing quarterback for the Chicago Bears. I’d be upset if I was Jason Campbell. These are CAR WRECKS.”
“The 49ers match up in coverage as good as any team….And if Kaepernick keeps playing like this, I’m picking them to go all the way, Mike.”
“Justin Smith gets stronger and faster as the years go by…He’s my favorite Gruden Grinder in pro football. I’ll take 7 of those.”
On the 49ers Defense, “I get sore watching these guys on tape, Mike. I can just FEEL the hits.”
On Delanie Walker, “He’s a joker. He can play every position….Here, he runs a three step slant route just like Jerry Rice used to do.”
On the 49ers O-Line, “They’re dropping HOUSES on Chicago Bears.”
“What’s that song I like, Mike? ‘We Will Rock You.’ That’s what the 49ers are doing to the Bears.”
