2014 Preseason Positively Gruden: Jags at Bears
Welcome to the inaugural 2014 edition of “Positively Gruden,” where we break down the top praise, plaudits, and pontifications from America’s favorite fawning former coach. For those of you new to this column, who may be asking, “what interesting things could an announcer possibly say about a meaningless preseason game between two teams (Jags and Bears) who missed the playoffs in 2013?” The answer is: A LOT. Because Grudenisms, like shooting stars, back acne, and William Shatner, appear and disappear without rhyme or reason. And that’s where we come in: to capture Gruden’s fleeting moments of hyperbole, absurdity, and, frankly, genius, to preserve them for generations to come.
Without further ado, let’s get to the top Grudenisms from last night:
On Bears CB Charles Tillman: “One of the great turnover creating machines in Chicago Bear history.”
After a Ka’Deem Carey touchdown: “That’s what I’m talking about. Give the ball to a back that knows how to GET. IT. DONE.”
On Jags QB Blake Bortles: “He’s a big, physical man with athletic ability, and he is TOUGH. He reminds me of a young Roethlisberger.”
On Bears third-string QB, Jordan Palmer: “Well, he knows this offense, Mike. He’s only attempted 18 career passes, but he is maybe as good a quarterback coach as there is out there.” (ahem, Rex Grossman anyone?)
On Bears back-up Jimmy Clausen: “He’s using the entire 40-second shot clock.” (I think he meant Jimmy Chitwood, who bears a striking resemblance, by the way)
On Jags kicker Josh Scobee: “Arguably the MVP of the Jaguars.” (Sounds about right)
Riffing on the refs: “They got 8 officials tonight, Mike, and everyone of them have had a chance to make a call. Glad they don’t have 8 for every game. I get nervous around just one official, Gerry Austin, let alone eight.”
“When you hear the officials come to camp with their points of emphasis, they’re going to emphasize the points.”
“I love the Jacksonville sideline. A lot of EXCITEMENT down there, and it starts with Gus Bradley. He’s remade the Jags in his image.” (So Gus Bradley is God?)
More Bradley: “No matter what the problem, no matter what the obstacle is, Gus Bradley will find the good in it and get the most out of you. You’re not going to find a coach with the resiliency of a Gus Bradley. He’s got tremendous courage too.”
Even more Gus Bradley?: “He has a charisma that is unmatched.” (Ok, that’s enough, dude)
On Bears OL Dennis Roland, defying standard units of measurement: “This kid Dennis Roland. I asked him how tall he was yesterday, and he said 6’9, I said no you’re 6’11. He is TALL!”
