2012, Week 7 Positively Gruden: Lions at Bears: The Doctor is In

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where I chronicle the top compliments, commendations, and cheerleading from America’s favorite fawning former coach.  When the Bears hooked up with the Cowboys last week, Gruden was all about the gunslingers.  This week, it was all about the Bears defense, and for good reason: it’s awesome.  Some may call them veterans, some may even call them old.  But to Gruden, they’re professors, writing their dissertation in the art of pain.

As always, Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity:

13. “I don’t think Chicago has ever had a receiver like Brandon Marshall, and when you have a rocket arm QB like Jay Cutler, let’s put them together in the WINDY CITY!”

12. On the Bears soft zone (or “soft box” as he calls it), “Barry Sanders would have run for 3,000 yards if he saw safeties that deep in his career.”

11. “You better mean BUSINESS when you come to tackle Matt Forte.”

10. “This Brian Urlacher, when I say he knows defense, he understands how to play, that’s an understatement.” (actually, it is)

9.  After Charles Tillman’s second straight strip, “Look at Tillman’s gloves, they’re like boxing gloves.  He’s gonna knock that ball out with WICKED right and left jabs.”

8.  “That’s Lance Briggs. I think he’s playing better than he ever has. He’s in better shape. They tell me better on the practice field, he’s better in the meeting room.  He’s more of a teacher now than he’s ever been.  What a player!”

7.  On Detroit’s running game, “Keep slamming the ball off this soft Chicago Bear box.”

6.  After a Matt Stafford-Calvin Johnson completion (finally), “Well, you’re throwing the ball to a freak of nature.”

5.  After a Charles Tillman breakup on Johnson, “ahhhhhh…….I get GOOSEBUMPS watching guys go after each other like this.”

4.  After a Michael Bush run, “Let’s just appreciate this run here. Watch him go left, cut right, do a 360. How about those feet in the hole? Whoa!”

3. “I’d give a sticker for Matt Forte’s helmet because he just picked up a blitz.”

2.  On (Dr.) Charles Tillman, “He has a Ph.D in Bear defense.”

1.  Later, “I said that Tillman had a Ph.D in Bears defense, but they’ve (Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs) got a Masters and a Doctorate. Look at this, Urlacher and Briggs and Tillman, 33 years combined system intelligence in this Bears defense. They’re amazing pros. Get the back of their football card. These are amazing Bears. They rival the great Bears of all-time.”