Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where I break down the top compliments, congratulations, and canoodling from America’s favorite fawning former coach. Monday night featured two weary competitors that have become shells of their former selves, struggling to eek out a victory, and avoid the desolation that comes from another lost year. But enough about Barack Obama and Mitt Romney; there was a football game to be played! It was one that started out as competitive but, after a few tough calls and a devastating Vick-pick-6 at the goal line, became a laugher for the Saints. Not surprisingly, the Grudenisms were very Saints-heavy, as Gruden had nothing but a heavy dose of barbs to throw against the Eagles depleted offensive line and their red zone failures.
As always, Grudenisms are grade on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
10. “That’s the Jonathan Vilma I know. He’s one of my favorite players.” (Also Roger Goodell’s)
9. After Chris Ivory’s first run, “I’m one of the fans. I’ve been waiting for Chris Ivory. Everybody’s talking about Ingram and the running game, just SLAM this big 220 pound back right off the right side.”
8. After an Ingram run, “There’s the Heisman trophy winner! He saw Ivory come in and steal the show, and he said ‘put me back on the game.’”
7. After a questionable call, “Everything looks like a penalty in this high-speed slo-mo.”
6. “I got a chance at the Olympics to see the great quality of the human spirit.” (Sorry, that was Mitt Romney)
5. “That’s what Drew Brees does for you. He eats you ALIVE.”
4. “You don’t go from Jason Peters and Tra Thomas to a guy like King Dunlap, who hasn’t played more than three or four games in a row in his life…GOOD LUCK.” (Just a taste of the anti-Grudenisms given to the O-line).
3. “How do you not like Chris Ivory? A lot of these Saints are from . . . (pause) . . . I don’t know where they’ve from. (pause) Ivory is from Tiffin College. I don’t know where the Saints find their players.” (This one really was more Haray Caray—strike that, Will Ferrell doing Haray Caray—than Gruden.)
2. “Bryce Brown has got some strong…lower…body parts. I like the way this young back is HAMMERING it up inside.”
1. “Here comes the Philadelphia Eagles. This is like a Rocky Balboa script.” (Yep. Rocky 5 to be exact.)