2012 Positively Gruden, Week 5: Texans @ Jets, the J.J. Watt Show
Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where I break down all the acclaim, admiration and adulation from America’s favorite fawning former coach. If you caught my column last week, you’d know that Gruden was all about the offensive side of the ball, when two bona fide “gunslingers” (Jay Cutler and Tony Romo) dueled in the “House that Jerry built.” Well, this week was all about the defensive side of the ball, namely the one-man sacking-swatting-wrecking machine, J.J. Watt. As much as Gruden pined to gush all over the home team Jets, Watt was the story of the night. So much so that I had no choice but to divide my column into J.J. Watt and non-J.J. Watt related Grudenisms. The Jets pulled out all the stops to try to make it a game (even Fireman Ed got in a few plays at slot receiver), but that just prolonged the inevitable. Speaking of which, I’d say it’s about two weeks past Tebow Time.
As always, Grudenisms are graded on a sliding scale of hyperbole, vivid imagery, and outright absurdity.
J.J. Watt
“When you look at their front seven, they have a one man wrecking machine in J.J. Watt out of Wisconsin. I love watching him on tape. There’s nothing he can’t do.”
Foreshadowing the night, “he’s got the patented Dwight Howard REJECTION move.”
“He is a one-man wrecking machine, hard to block this kid. I don’t care you ya’ got to block him.”
“When he’s on a one-on-one situation, it’s almost a mismatch every single time.” (And 60% of the time, he gets a sack every time.)
After another J.J. Watt deflection, “He’s as productive as any cornerback in the National Football League.”
“Well, they call him the Milkman. He’s from Wisconsin, and the Milkman always delivers.” (My guess is that anyone who’s ever called J.J. Watt “the Milkman,” was greeted with a punch in the face.)
“Best inside pass rusher in football, I agree with Wade Phillips. He is a Hall of Fame candidate.” (It’s Watt’s second year in the league.)
After his final deflection, ending the game, “J.J. Swat. That should be his name. I tell ya what…” (Gruden trails off, knowing that he’s literally told us everything he can about J.J. Watt.”)
Non-J.J. Watt
“What makes the Texans SPECIAL is their quarterback, Matt Schaub. He’s talented, he’s tough, and he is disciplined.”
After a Schaub-Daniels TD, “Matt Schaub, Gary Kubiak. They work together as well as any quarterback-coach combination in football. Put that on a highlight reel.” (Well, at least any combination where the coach isn’t suspended.)
After a Texans sack, “Collapsed is a mild word, Mike. Antonio Smith, on your right side UNLOADS….You play quarterback, Mike.”
“I’m impressed with the last six or seven snaps from this Jet defense.” (Ok, that’s my token Jets entry. There wasn’t much to work with.)
On Gary Kubiak’s playsheet, “You oughta see his sideline sheet, it’s a double decker. And on that sideline sheet, he’s got running plays, he’s got passing plays, different situational plays. Home runs, red zone at the 5, the 10, the 15, the 20. He’s got cover-2 beaters, he’s got 46 Bears defense beaters. He’s got plays for Andre Johnson, he’s got two minutes plays. Look at the size of that menu! I think he’s got more plays on that menu than I’ve ever seen.” (Not surprisingly, Kubiak’s favorite restaurant is the Cheesecake Factory.)
After a long Texans drive, “That’s one thing I admire the most about the Houston Texans. They can run the football RIGHT DOWN YOUR THROAT. And they will the run the same play if you can’t stop them. That’s as good of a drive as I’ve seen this year.”
“Watch the back side blocking by these Texans. It’s just a thing of beauty. It’s like a SYMPHONY on the backside.” (That’s what Jay-Z says about Beyonce.)
On Tebow, “I’d like to see him get a series. Not a play here, a play there. Let him get hit in the MOUTH. That’s when he’s at his best. When he’s sweatin’ and playin’ a little bit.”
“These Texans are DISTURBING THE PEACE with their pass rush, Mike.”
Getting warmed up, “Tebow is in the ballgame!”
And here it is, after a 10-yard run, “I’ve been waiting ALL DAY for this Tim Tebow. A little read option. Give it to him again!” (They did, and Tebow got stuffed.)
