2012 Positively Gruden, Week 3: Positively Gruden Goes Off

Welcome to another rendition of “Positively Gruden,” where I break down the top plaudits, platitudes, and pontification from America’s favorite fawning former coach. This week, the Packers visited the Seahawks, in a game that featured the MVP, Aaron Rodgers, a ravenous Seattle Defense, and our honorary mini-Tebow of 2012, Russell Wilson.


We interrupt your regularly scheduled “Positively Gruden” segment for a special announcement.  Due to extenuating circumstances, “Positively Gruden” will not be seen in its full entirety this week, as it has been pre-empted by a special broadcast of “Gruden Goes Off” featuring our special guest The 13th Man, otherwise known as the Replacement Refs.  Please tune in next week when “Positively Gruden” will resume in its entirety.

[Note: To capture the Incredible Hulk-like transition from “Positively Gruden” to “Gruden Goes Off,” our Grudenisms will be presented in chronological order rather than the usual top 10 list.”]

On Aaron Rodgers, “he’s just a combination of greatness. There’s nothing that you want a quarterback to do that he can’t do.”

On the diminutive Russell Wilson, “I’m 5’10”. Maybe that’s why I like him so much.”

More Wilson, “Most impressive are his intangibles. He has no FEAR. And nobody has prepared themselves better than Russell Wilson.”

After a Rodgers scramble on the Packers opening series, “HUGE first down!”

On Greg Jennings, “He’s arguably the most feared deep ball threat in football.” (That’s the worst argument ever.)

After a Bruce Irvin sack, “Pete Carroll told us, it’s just a matter of time before Bruce Irvin impacts the game. Watch this POWER rush. Unbelievable display of GET OFF and POWER.”

More Wilson, “He just has a never say die attitude.  There’s no way somebody is gonna tell him he can’t do something because he’s 5’10”.  He’s a TERMINATOR in terms of work ethic.  He will not quit, and nobody pushes himself harder than Russell Wilson that I’ve ever met.”

“This kid Matthews, he has so much energy from start to finish, and all these Packers emulate what he does. That’s impressive.”

After a Wilson TD pass to a wide open Golden Tate, “How about that throw.” (No mention of Charles Woodson who got pantsed on the play.)

After another Rodgers sack, “That’s one of the best inside moves I’ve seen.  Wow.  Chris Clemons was an undrafted college football player.  Ever since he’s come to Seattle, he’s been a DOMINANT pass rusher. He’s unstoppable right now.”

Loving the defense, “Isn’t it great to see a defensive struggle for a change? There’s not a lot of GIMMICKS out there.  These two defenses are physical TAKING it to the opposing offenses. It’s refreshing to me, Mike.”

On Rodgers’ quick release, “I promise you Rodgers doesn’t get the laces when he throws the ball half the time. Watch this, that’s all ball, no laces.  Aaron Rodgers is AMAZING in the shotgun.”

More Rodgers, after the Packers take the lead, “This quarterback, for him to get hit as many times as he got hit during the first half, to come out here and put a show on like this.  That’s why he’s the MVP of pro football.”

“This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time, Mike.”  (Famous last words)

Starting to get a little annoyed, “I feel like I’m at a tennis match. Ten yards that way, 15 yards that way. I don’t know what all these penalties are about, Mike”

After four consecutive penalties during Seattle’s second-to-last drive, “I tell ya Mike…..(15 seconds of dead air, then muttering)….self control.”

After a phantom pass interference call on Sam Shields, “I know they want self control, they don’t want your emotions to take over.  But that’s not defensive pass interference.  No way that’s on Sam Shields.” (Note: I assume “they” means either the NFL league office or the ESPN producers.  Even at his angriest during the ensuing debacle, Gruden was more restrained than any other announcer would have been, except perhaps Mike Mayock.  I shudder to think how Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth would have called the end of this game.)

Continuing, “I used to do this for a living, and I had very little self control.  I’m about to jump out the press box on that play.”

After the final play, the “Golden” reception, “They should give Green Bay the game, that’s what they should do.  There’s no way Green Bay should fly 6,000 miles home after losing a game like this. That’s what instant replay is for. I don’t like the way this game finished. I have a bad taste in my mouth.”

Finally losing it, “I don’t know how Green Bay is going to get over this.  I’ve never seen anything like it. Too much at stake, too much hard work. TRAGIC.”

Fifteen minutes later, after the Packers are forced to lineup for an extra point, “Here comes some Green Bay Packers back on the field. This is COMICAL to me. Mike, I tell ya, that’s two of the worst calls at the end of the football game I can remember.”

“I’ve lost controversial games in the past. And controversy is one thing. But this is…this is another.” C’mon say it, Jon. This is worse than the tuck rule, right?