2012 Positively Gruden Preview: Top 20 Grudenisms

One of the best things about Week 1 of the NFL is knowing that, even after an exhausting slate of Sunday games, there’s still two more games waiting for us on Monday night.  The only thing that would make it better is if Jon Gruden could be in two places at once but, alas, the man does have some limits.  Those limits, however, do not extend to Gruden’s unique gift of gab.  Over the years, I’ve chronicled the best Grudenisms in my weekly “Positively Gruden” column and will be doing the same this year beginning with tonight’s Bengals-Ravens clash.  Before we get to that, however, let’s take a look at the top 20 Grudenisms from previous “Positively Gruden” columns.

As always, Grudenisms are graded on a multi-factor basis, which includes: (a) degree of hyperbole; (b) use of vivid imagery; and (c) outright absurdity.

20.    Following two straight completed passes from Brett Favre: “All of a sudden the legend finds a hot hand.  And when it gets hot, it can be magical.”  Vikings-Jets (October 10, 2010)

19.    On ESPN’s new officiating guru, “Gerry Austin, he trained me well, Mike. I’ve had a great offseason studying these rules.  You hang around Gerry Austin, you’re gonna get better…at learning the rules.”  Eagles-Patriots (August 20, 2012)

18.    “How about this Redskins offensive line? They used to call them the hogs. I don’t know what you call them, the hunting dogs…like elephants on a parade” (Wait, what?) Redskins-Cowboys (September 27, 2011)

17.    On Ahmad Bradshaw, “They call these guys ‘Earth, Wind and Fire.’ He must be wind because I don’t know which way he’s going.  He is quick!” Giants-Cowboys (October 26, 2010)

16.    On Cowboys kicker David Buehler, after a failed onside kick, “This Buehler is an interesting athlete, one of the strongest, quickest kickers you’re ever gonna meet.”  Giants-Cowboys (October 26, 2010)

15.    On Giants, er, coaching, “You know what I like about Eli Manning, and a lot of people don’t see this, he might be one of the best coaches in the league.”   Giants-Cowboys (October 26, 2010)

14.    “You’re with me, leather.” (Sorry, wrong Monday night crew)

13.    Channeling his inner Clubber Lang, “When you get the corner for Brandon Jacobs and let him go at full speed, I pity the fool who has to tackle that guy.Bears-Giants (August 23, 2011)

12.    Channeling his inner Lionel Ritchie, “Jared Allen will not quit, you gotta admire that trait about him.  It’s all night long. That’s one of my favorite songs too, by the way.” Vikings-Packers (November 15, 2011)

11.    “You know what I like about this Christian Ponder is he’s got a vibe about him. A lot of quarterbacks they get in the huddle and they say the play and it’s like you’re doomed, it just sounds like it’s gonna be a bad play. But this guy he gets in there, and he’s like ‘red right make 19, naked right drag slide on 1.’  He presents the plays authority.  Great command and leadership for a young quarterback.”  (And on the next pass, of course, Ponder throws a pick.) Vikings-Packers (November 15, 2011)

10.    “This is Mike Singletary football, call it whatever you want.49ers-Cardinals (November 30, 2010)

9.      After a scramble and 10-yard pass, “Well, that’s just one of the great plays that Drew Brees has ever made….I don’t want to sound like a cheerleader here but….WAY TO GO BREES, THAT’S AWESOME!”  Giants-Saints (November 28, 2011)

8.      On blitz-happy Gregg Williams, Saints defensive coordinator, “He hasn’t called a blitz in 7 plays, he probably had the shakes down there.” (or, he already depleted the bounty fund) Giants-Saints (November 28, 2011)

7.      “Phillip Rivers, he’s gonna play 16 regular season games, I don’t care if they’re 4 and 7 or 7 and 4.” Chargers-Jags (December 6, 2011)

6.      On Raiders’ kickers, “Sea Bass and Lecher used to drive me CRAZY when I was coaching.  I nicknamed Janikowski ‘Butthead’ and Lechler ‘Beavis.’  Just like that MTV show I love so much, ‘Beavis and Butthead.’ [imitating the trademark Beavis and Butthead laugh] But they have matured and have become two of the greats at their position in the NFL.” Cowboys-Raiders (August 14, 2012)

5.      “Let me show you this doggone Andy Reid, he goes back to the land of 1992.  Look at Avant right there, this is Red-Left-Switch-Z-Right-Sprint-Right-G-Corner-Halfback-Flat. Mike Holmgren taught Andy Reid, Jon Gruden, and Steve Mariucci in a dark room in Green Bay and it STILL WORKS! Andy Reid has more plays in his playbook than probably any coach ever.” Eagles-Patriots (August 20, 2012)

4.      On Safety LaRon Landry, “You see this guy with his shirt off, this guy is really put together. This guy makes you want to do some situps!” Redskins-Cowboys (September 27, 2011)

3.      After Corey Liguet, the Chargers’ first round draft pick, stops a run for no gain, “That’s too Liuget to quit right there, Jaws!” Seahawks-Chargers (August 12, 2011)

2.      “If you’re a Christmas shopper and you want to buy a gift for someone, buy them a Desean Jackson highlight reel.” Eagles-Redskins (November 16, 2010)

1.      On Cameron Wake, Dolphins DE, “This guy will not quit. He continues to fight, he continues to finish. And at the end of the year, the animal will come out of its cage….He’s studying to be a veterinarian!” Dolphins-Patriots (September 13, 2011)