2012 Hard Knocks, Episode 5: Gonna Fly Now

Welcome to the recap of the stirring season finale of “Hard Knocks” with the Miami Dolphins!  It’s Final Cut day, and the football world has been abuzz with speculation on who will make the squad and who will get sent packing.  The roster bubble is filled with season-long favorites, who we’ve all grown to know and love.  People like Chris Hogan, Clyde Gates, Marlon Moore, Isaako Aaitui, Jarrell Ro…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh, sorry, I nodded off right there.  Seriously, has there ever been a less compelling episode of “Hard Knocks” than what we saw last night?  With a real, live NFL game coming on Wednesday (Today!), featuring first-stringers who can, you know, actually line up and execute a play, who the hell wants to waste their time by pondering the fate of third through sixth stringers on what is looking to be one of the worst teams in the NFL?  It’s only because I’m so handsomely paid by TheFootballGirl to write this column that I could even force myself to sit through the episode.

So a bunch of guys got cut, and some others made it.  Seriously, you all have the internet, look it up yourselves.  All you need to know about the episode is that it was so boring that they needed to fill five minutes with a Chad Johnson interview and training montage that was a blatant rip-off of Rocky III (complete with training on the beach and sparring with a personal trainer) and three minutes on a guitar “jam session” with two guys who got cut (Root and Aaitui).  Also, Jake Long has a knee injury and the Dolphins have 11 wide receivers and 4 quarterbacks, none of whom can actually play, except for 4th stringer QB, Pat Devlin, who is apparently the next Tony Romo.  Meanwhile, franchise savior, Ryan Tannehill can’t even build a proper Ikea end table.  But hey, Lauren Tannehill still looks hot and, yes, this Miami Dolphins cheerleaders are still wearing bikinis.

Yep, it’s going to be a long season, Miami.